Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Why is it that I go to sleep hoping to dream about what my baby will be like and I end up giving birth to a little black cat that claws the shit out of me and refuses to let me swaddle her?
Why is it?
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Lesson #2 - Preggie Pops actually work!! After my super unhealthy dinner, I felt like total crap - had rising indigestion - and was completely nauseous. (Now, this could all be from just eating crap - but we'll call it the pregnancy, it's better that way, because Mario will get me things when I ask. ;) Anywho - all that aside - Mario kindly got me a preggie pop and it worked wonders. I was seriously concerned about what would happen to me once it was gone.
Lesson #3 - Eating is SO important. If I go more than 2 hours without eating, I become extremely hungry and start feeling nauseous. And this little bag of unsalted nuts that I brought with me today is not cuttign it - they actually make me want to vomit. They are so dry. I need a smoothie or something cold. Dry and flavorless sucks. Maybe this banana will do. (Is it weird that when I type the word banana, I have to sing the gewn stefani song to make sure I am spelling it correctly?)
Not really a Lesson #4 - I am glad that I was paying such "close attention" when I became pregnant. So what if it seems crazy or too early to be talking about it - I am pregnant and I am damn excited about it. It gives me that much more time to daydream about what it will be like to meet out sweet little person, to imagine what she (or he) will look like and what it will be like to see Mario holding her (or him).
My goal for this next week is to try an be more focussed on the now -today - this moment, rather than when I get to do this, and that, and what might happen later.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I have been thinking - and although it is my nature... I do not want this blog to be all about my various pregnancy complaints. Sometimes, I can't help it. My mouth opens and complaints come out without even running them by me first. Its a problem. So for those few who actually do read this, I promise to always write something positive and hopeful.
You will all be pleased to know that yesterday and even today - I have not thought or worried about having a miscarriage! (Okay, maybe for a few brief moments in the middle of the night when a stomach ache woke me up, but that totally does not count.)
I stopped by a friends house today and she had a gift for me, preggie pops. I have them on hand, you know, just in cases. (Thanks Libby!) But why, may I ask, does something that is supposed to be "natural and made from essencial oils", list corn syrup as the first ingredient?? Seriously, you can't get away from the stuff.
Thats all for now, I best be getting back to work...
P.S. For those of you who have subsribed, you are now getting my postings in an email... This is actually a blog posting, in case you were confused.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
FIRED. totally fired.
I am canceling my 9/3 appointment at the hokey "Harmony and Wellness Center" (which is NOTHING like Private Practice, which I had imagined it to be), and have booked another appointment with a friend's Dr.'s Office - with a Nurse/Midwife on September 1st. Yay.
Next topic: the heartbeat. When do I get to hear it?? I had imagined I would hear it at my first appointment at 8 weeks - but sadly, as I learned today, I HAVE TO WAIT! What the crap. I hope that I can make an extra appointment to hear it during my 12th week - I can't wait that long!
Oh my sweet little person. My body is making a person. Sometimes, I can't even fathom it. Sometimes it makes me want to cry. Sometimes it makes me crazy, sore, and a little sleepy. But mostly, it makes me purely happy and full of joyful anticipation.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I push my stomach out in the mirror to see how I will look when I start to show. I even caress it and nonchalantly pretend like it is totally normal. Just to see how is feels. Do other people do this?
The second I get into bed, the fear sets in. I jab myself in the boob. shit, not as sore as last night.. Immediately, I am on my blackberry, googling "if my breast tenderness goes away, is it a bad sign"? Oh google, you are such a tease. And it is almost as if I am looking for bad news. Really? This is beginnign to get out of hand. I should really stop sleeping with my blackberry.
I think I need to be banned from googling anything pregnancy related unless it feels really serious. Maybe I need a pregnancy trainer that I can text anytime - I can ask questions, like, "if I sneeze, will it put too much pressure on my abdomen and cause problems with my pregnancy?" And she can reply, "NO! Go to bed, everything is fine." She can be my pregnancy sanity.
I just squeezed my boob again to see if it was sore.
I have probably done it five times since I have been writing.
I did read one thing that reisnated with me... It was something like, "Enjoy this break in breast tenderness, because it will come back. Not everything is a warning sign. Just try to do everything you can to have a healthy pregnancy; eat right, get lots of rest, drink lots of water and take your prenatals, the rest is going to happen no matter what you do.
Well, I'm off to bed. Thanks for listening.
P.S. Our first Dr. appt is on September 3rd. Yay!
P.S.s. Girl Name: Isabella Sophia
Boy Name: Vincenzo James (Inspired by Vincenzio Bambino and Mini B.! Thanks : )
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I was struggling to decide between the Mayo Clinic - here is everything that can go wrong during your pregnancy book - (yes, I did look up cramping and ectopic pregnancies) and the Baby Journal I have had my eyes on for YEARS!
at this point, I think I made the right choice...
The fear that I have an ectopic pregnancy. I have cramping, light cramping at that. My new mantra is... "I do not have an ectopic pregnancy."
google is seriously freaking me out. (especially at 3am this morning)
It is so weird to actually BE pregnant. Weird and wonderful. I have been taking a few days to let it all sink in and it is so amazing to know that my body is currently making a human. A person is growing inside me. Blows my mind.
All of this fascinating stuff is happening and I can already feel it. And everything I feel, for some reason, makes me think something is wrong. Is it possible that I am just PREGNANT? I would hope that if a human was being made inside my body - I would feel something, right?
I think I am too in tune with my body. I feel too much going on. I bet if I had no symptoms, I would be terrified for a whole slew of other reasons.
Either way, I am taking hold of my sister-in law's advice and just "going with it".
Monday, July 27, 2009
Now that I am writing this, I am considering going to get one. What is wrong with me!!!
Nope - not today at least. All the same symptoms as last month - so my hopes are not very high - but staying positive.
Friday, July 24, 2009
2. Having PMS probably means I am not pregnant, again.
I just spent (wasted) some time on the trusty net - apparently tons of women experienced pms (aka bitchiness) prior to a positive pregnancy test.
Am feeling a little bit better.
2 things that rock...
1. I am having a good hair day.
...come on, I know there is another one...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
1. while lying on the bed watching Sponge Bob with Andrew and Patty - Patty points to the tiny piece of thong showing above my pants and says, "is that your hair tie pammy?" Hilarious.
2. when you ask a 2 year old to "please stop wiping your hands in your hair," it becomes the most hilarious thing to do, in the world. Blue icing is never a good idea. And after we laugh hysterically together, (just for fun), he stops short, takes a bite of his cake and says, "mmm cream". Maybe you had to be there, but it was beautiful.
3. all night long, patty follows me around telling me some dramatic story about something I cannot understand, but I listen intently and ask questions, because when I do, he smiles up and me and I just want to squeeze him.
4. sometimes, when I read to the boys, I feel like I am the most amazing storyteller in all the land. I use voices, get loud and sometimes scary. They must love reading books with me, I am that good. It is probably a lot like singing in the car, if someone else is around, it is just some boring old story.
5. when the boys asked for "just a little bite" of cake before they headed off to bed, I said yes. And I made them each one more delicious bite of cake. It was fabulous. Just one of the perks of being the babysitter I guess.
Still working at the baby making. I am trying not to be as crazy about it this go around. I have put on a few pre-pregnancy pounds, which I have been assured of by many close friends, is completely normal. I have only considered taking a pregnancy test, just to see (if my period was one of those fluke periods some women get when they are, in fact, pregnant), a few times. I have yet to buy one.
Happy weekend everybody. (I am talking to you my 4! followers)
p.s. I think I'm ready to share this blog now - so if any readers can think of people they know that may be interested in reading my nonsense, please feel free to send them the link :)
Friday, July 3, 2009
Unless my period is just "spotting", I am sure it's not, and my cramps don't show up, I am sure they will.
Yes, like usual, even though all signs point to NO, I still hold on to an tiny, unrealistic glimmer of hope.
So what will I be doing tonight? Drinking wine, of course!! Delicious wine, red and expensive, (you know, the $15 kind ;). I have not had a drink in weeks, and it makes the whole "disappointment" thing much easier to take.
I'm not even truly disappointed... I think I was mostly anxious, waiting for something to come. It is the not knowing that drives me crazy.
In the end, I realize that waiting another month or so will not be so bad. She (or he) will be born closer to the summer when Mario can be home to help me; I will be closer to having health insurance, which does not start until September; and through all of this, I have realized that I need to stop rushing things. Life is so much more enjoyable when I am not putting pressure on things happening on a particular time line. I guess I just need to make the right choices to set things in motion and then just let it happen. I like to think that I will be able to do that, but also know that I might get a little anxious again next month. I am sure that is to be expected.
I'll be sure to take that last test tonight, you know, just in cases :)
Happy weekend everybody.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
6:15 AM still trying to go back to sleep...
6:45 AM I might as well get up and take the damn test, otherwise I will never get back to sleep.
7:00 AM I'll just get up and check it one more time. Still negative. No matter how wide I open my eyes, no matter how close I look. Still Negative.
The rest of the day: rationalizing as to why it is totally ok that I am most likely not pregnant, while still holding on to a tiny glimmer of hope that the tests are wrong.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The two week wait.
Oh how I LOATH the two week wait. It's funny how many women will tell you to just stop thinking about it, and it will happen. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? And how am I supposed to STOP thinking about it when it is all I want to think about? Easy to say when you already got your positive test results. Easy.
I spent all weekend telling my family that I was hopefully pregnant. Starting my very own rumors. I took a test on Monday, even though, once again, I knew it was still too early. My logic? The test was really only $5, so even if it was "just for fun", at least I didn't waste too much money. And why can't I take one once a day - who am I hurting.
Turns out I am actually hurting myself. I went with Mario today to buy some more tests - and even though I promised a friend I would wait until tomorrow morning, I couldn't help myself when I got home. Negative. I am actually feeling a little sad. And my hopes are a little lower - this can't be good. So now, I am not hopefully searching the net for baby room ideas and pregnancy blogs - but worrying that I might not be pregnant.
I could swear I "feel" pregnant. I really do. I still have high hopes and look forward to the next test, which I will take tomorrow morning. I am not kidding myself by attempting to wait yet another day. If it is negative, I will rationalize the same way that I did today - it is still to early crazy lady!!
And I will leave the room a little more sad - but still hopeful for the next days test.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
1. If it is possible to "feel pregnant", then it is logical to assume that one can also feel "not-pregnant", right? If so, I most definitely don't feel "not pregnant". If you look hard enough online, and type in just the right search query, you can make any odd feeling a pregnancy symptom. The internet can make you totally crazy and help you to feel totally comfortable with it all at the same time. There is always someone out there who wondered the same thing.
2. Are my boobs sore (as in an early symptom of pregnancy) or are they just teder from my hourly jabs to "check" for possible soreness?
3. Lastly, why is it that even though I KNOW that a pregnancy test won't work until next Tuesday, I took one yesterday, secretly hoping that I would be this superwoman that was so pregnant, it showed up a week early.
Seriously, I hope I'm pregnant just for the sake of my sanity. Maybe I can stop obsessing over getting pregnant and get some actual work done.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
- chosen a possible doctor.
- checked out 5 pregnancy books from the local library, (including titles such as, The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy, Green Baby, and Louder than words - the Jenny McCarthy Autism book). Yes, you can already see my pregnancy personality developing - organic, afraid and hoping for a sense of humor.
- Read 2 of these pregnancy books.
- Decided on names. Yes, my sweet daughter's name has been picked out for YEARS, Isabella, but I am currently working on Nico, for my first son. I say "first" son, because, let's face it, I married a Bernasconi, and I say "working on", because I need to get Mario on board.
- Taken a pregnancy test. To clarify, we haven't actually started trying yet, but somehow, all of this "pregnancy" talk convinced me that I was actually pregnant. It took really bad cramps, a negative pregnancy test and having my period for 2 full days, to actually convince me that I was, in fact, not pregnant.
- Checked numerous ovulation calculators to see when the "best" time to conceive will be. And also, to see when I would actually give birth.
Given up on planning a perfect time of the year to get pregnant - ASAP sounds like the best plan to me.
- Driven Mario a little crazy - he certainly doesn't understand all of this planning - it is just not in his blood. Good thing I like to plan - I can take care of it for the both of us :)
Now all I have to do is GET PREGNANT! I'll keep you posted....
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
So the other day, Mario points out that the normally white toilette seat is pink?? (We have one of those disgusting padded toilette seats that he refuses to let me replace. You know, the ones that let out all the extra air when you settle down onto it.)
I have no idea how it got this way. I wonder at first if I had worn any pink panties, shorts, etc. But quickly remember that when the toilette is used, one doesn't typically wear "bottoms". I am at a loss for a few days and Mario points out again, that the bed sheet has a pink tint to it as well.
Only on my side.
WTF? So, who do I turn to? Google of course. I honestly typed in, "my ass is turning my toilette seat pink?" I come across a wealth of information, mostly in "pregnancy" forums about other women who have experienced the same phenomenon. Most of the women are making fun of each other, but I start to see them talking about the correlation between their pregnancy and the pink toilette seat syndrome. It turns out that the only women with this problem are pregnant!! Don't get all excited, I am so not pregnant, but what do most pregnant women do?? They take pre-natals. Turns out that the vitamins do something to my hormones which makes my body leak pink. I guess this is the first "odd" thing in a long string of events that I will experience during my soon-to-be pregnancy.
This reminds me of a time when Mario and I had first started spending the night together - I kept waking up with a black tongue! WTF? Apparently Google and I did not have such a great relationship back then, because I just worried for a few weeks that I had some terribly embarrassing disease. Soon enough, Mario comes to me complaining that his tongue has been black in the mornings.
Somehow, we come to the conclusion that the chewable pepto bismol we had been taking was the most possible culprit and decided to do a little experiment. I took some, he did not - long story short, we were right. Apparently you can't take chewable pepto at night before bed without waking up with the mysterious "black tounge". (I'm also not quite sure why we had been taking so much pepto...)
I should also add that a few women changed their seats blueish purple - and they ended up having boys - looks like I am still on the right track for that girl. All signs point to yes!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I'll have to do some research on that.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I think I have said the b word to Mario 10+ times today. It's so exciting to think that sometime this year, I could actually BE pregnant. Good God I hope so.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Either way, "they're going to be princesses. Yep. They're both going to be princesses.". And they are going to be so beautiful that she is going to give them roses.
If you think that's cute... You should see her. She's a doll.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I just had the most amazing day of boudoir/lingerie shoots. My feet are so tired... And yes, I am blogging in the bath, again.
Is it weird that I feel sexier after a shoot like that? I even catch myself posing a bit and moving like a model. I'm not even joking. Its like when your on a ship and you get off and still feel like your on the boat. If that even makes sense.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Today, Mario left the house at 2pm and returned at 930. I was still sitting in the same place he left me. I am sure you can guess where that was.
I am trying not to drink during the week and was finally able to force myself away from the computer to take a bath and quiet my mind from my 12 hour workday. And here I am blogging in the BATH! I'm a wreck. Its terrifying actually. It could drop into the water at any time. Then it's bye bye blackberry.
I think my next vacation will be sans computer and blackberry. I think that vacation may need to come soon.
I wonder if I could even go 24 hours.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
I always wonder if the other moms at the park think I am Patty's nanny or his mom. I look nothing like him - so they must get it. I wonder this, because I look at them and wonder. I am never brave enough to talk to them.
We decided to go to the Biltmore - for lunch and some exploring. While trying on a pair of sun glasses, we knocked over a window display. Time to go home.
Little Jackson was born into a room filled with people who love him truly and unconditionally. Family is such a magical thing. His grandparents were able to get on planes and make it to the hospital before his birth. It was Shawn (mommy), Paul (daddy), me (the photographer :), Mary (the cousin), Tracey (the sister in-law), and his grandmas, all in the room for the grand event. Sometimes I caught myself just staring down at Shawn lying in the bed in pain - she would look up at me and I would realize it - she must have felt like a display. I'm not sure I want that many people in my room - it seems a bit overwhelming.
While holding Jackson today, I noticed that his feet are huge! I wonder if he will grow into them. He makes these little expressions, and for a minute, you might think he is a tiny little old man. But then he softens back up again and looks perfectly serene. I should get a picture of his old man face to show to him when he gets older. Although, secretly, I hope that he does not get too much older, (at least not too soon).
His mommy is doing really well - although I think she is now seriously nesting. I know that usually comes before the baby, but she was not quite ready for his arrival, so she is making up for it now. I keep telling her to sit down and tell me what needs to be done - but she feels bad asking to hold her baby. Can you believe it! You have to keep an eye out for her to longingly look in your direction - and then you have to give him up.
She loves him so much. It is amazing. I am tearing up just thinking about it now. She just keeps saying that she can't wait for me to have a baby because it is so amazing.
I can't wait either.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Andrew loves legos. I mean REALLY loves them. For hours. He also loves to talk about legos. For hours. And I have learned that legos can be a great way to pass time. We build lots of houses and gardens. (I typically build really tall towers.) Sadly, I am not quite as talented as his father - which always seems to dissapoint Andrew.
"Oh, I'll just wait for my daddy to come home and build it with me."
We had a contest - because I was anxious to build my own lego contraption, rather than build what Andrew insisted I make. The idea was that you would stick your hand into the lego box and grab a handful, blindly, and then make something out of what you ended up with. I of course gave Andrew an extra handful, due to the obvious difference in the size of our hands, and I'm pretty sure he peeked. Nonetheless, he came up with a fantastically complicated and detaild machine. It looked much like a truck from the future. I was quite impressed. "It's a flower truck and look, here are the air vents to keep them fresh and everything."
This kid has got quite an imagination.
When he was little, (which I guess he still is, so we'll say littler), he would ask me to roll him up like a burrito. He would laugh histarically the entire time I rolled him all up in the blanket, and then after I ate him, we would immediatley need to make another burrito. Mmmm.
next... dance parties
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Do toddlers have a free pass in a library to be noisy? To shout out "that one", "go there" and "waterfalls" repeatedly, on every floor? Or am I supposed to remind him that "we have to be quiet when we are in a library", the whole time. What is more annoying? I'm not sure...
I have decided I would rather be at a bookstore. The books are prettier there anyway. And Patty can be as loud as he wants. We can let it all hang out.
All he could talk about were the elevators and the "Waterfalls" (translation: pond... anything H20 related is referred to by Patty as a waterfall). Anyway - we tried to read a few exciting books, but they did not, by far, compare to the ever so magnificent elevators. (Which, although Patty never forgot them, were, I'm sure, strategically placed out of view from the kid's section.) It seems like the whole time we are in the library, Patty just wants to get out. He stares intently out the back windows while I try to interest him in my pile of books. I am always trying to think of interesting things for him to do - but when it comes down to it, he is pretty much excited to do anything with me. <3
So we were back in the car. The library turned out to be quite boring, that is, unless I was interested in riding the elevators up and down for the rest of the morning. Which I wasn't. Patty seemed quite interested in the train, (translation: light rail). So I decided to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes, hoping to catch one passing by. Nothing came.
On the way to pick Andrew up from school, I took the long way. I looked back at Patty at one point and he had this smile full of sheer joy on his face. He didn't care where we were or what we were doing, he was just happy to be. Good God I love this kid. He just laughed. Does he know something I don't?
At lunch, Andrew informed me that if I exercise a lot, I can live for "twenty twenty" years. I think that is LOT of years in AndrewLand. I should really start exercising.