Wednesday, October 7, 2009


For the las few months, I have been referring to my sweet child as "it", "she" and the occasional "he", just to even things out. I almost feel a pressure not to say what I think it is, or what I want her to be, because I worry that if I am wrong, he will feel terribly sad if he ever finds out. Not to mention the endless "I told you sos" I would hear.

Enough of all that. Wrong or not, I have always felt that I was truly meant to have a girl. I have never really doubted it. And knowing that the sex is already chosen and there is nothing I can say to change it... I still feel like I am going to have a girl. So I'm officially saying that I think I am having a girl.

Even just after typing that, I feel like I should mention something about how if I have a boy, I will be just as happy, which is completely true, of course I will be...

Why all this guilt? Why can't I want a girl? My husband always says the 'ol "I just want a healthy baby," which I get and of course agree with, but for some reason I feel guilty for not just saying that.

If I am having a boy, and he asks me if I was disappointed that he was a boy, seeing as I was so sure he was, in fact, a girl, I will tell him that thinking he was going to be a girl was the first of many things I would get wrong as a parent. Things that would end up being tiny little miracles.

We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time last week. It was quite anticlimactic. I had already cried, just imagining the moment, so many times that by the time it actually happened, all I could do was laugh, which muffled the sound of the heartbeat anyway. I won't say that it wasn't awesome to hear, but it was less dramatic, because I wasn't doubting that it was going to be there. (Even though it did take her a few minutes to find it and for just a second, I did wonder.) I had imagined holding my husbands had and looking at him and smiling as we listened, much like a scene from movie. I don't even think I looked at him once. The movies sure do make life look so much more dramatic.

Or maybe my life is less like a movie than I thought.

1 comment:

  1. Don't feel bad. I always go with moms intuition. I've always seen myself with two boys and a girl. Both times I knew it was a boy deep down, but wanted a little girl. With Vinny I cried when they told me it was a boy and asked them if they were sure. The tech said " Yup pretty sure girls don't have those.". Soon after the appointment and when we chose a name I fell in love with the idea of having a "mamas boy". I was a little scared that he might come out and be a girl(I was suppose to be a boy). And the thought of "loosing" my son made me very sad.

    Ok sorry for rambling lol. I forgot what I originally planned on saying(I blame pregnancy brain). Anyways you're right no matter what you will love YOUR child boy or girl. And I wouldn't feel bad at all for thinking the baby is a girl, or for wanting a girl.