there is a little person inside of me...

Last night, I felt the baby move for the first time. It was like a little person was inside kicking me. And as Katy pointed out... it is! I had always thought it would feel strange and alien.

But it was magical.

And I find myself just waiting for more.

girl

I had a dream last night that I gave birth, painless birth, to a baby girl!! It was a little odd, seeing as it was painless and she was about the size of a 1 month old... but that is besides the point.

It was a girl!!

And it was not like I just "felt" like or "knew" she was a girl - she was all out girl. I can still see the image in my head, clear as day. They pulled her out and I saw it with my own eyes.

Now, who knows how much of that is actual intuition and how much is clouded by my almost obsessive need for a girl.. I am assuming it is intuition, it must be!

Still waiting to feel that movement in there. I must get back to my mashed potato and cucumber lunch. Yum.

pregnancy weight gain is a funny thing. I know that I should have at least gained some weight by now... but when the nurse weighs me and I have gained a whopping 3 pounds (mind you this is my first actual weight gain)... I am not sure how to feel. In fact, I start to go over all the crap I have been feeding my baby over the past few weeks...

smarties...

lollipops...

snickers...

taco bell...

french fries...

double whopper.. (just once and it did not end well...)

pancakes... (halfway healthy, until you add like 1/4 cup of powdered sugar.. yum)

potato skins...

but my appetite is back and that is just what I want! How can I help it if the candy aisle just calls to me, when it used to go completely unnoticed?

I have been a bad bad mommy lately. I don't think I had ingested one vegetable in weeks. I always said I wouldn't be "one of those people" who at a bunch of crap, just because my pregnancy gave me some magical free pass. I am finding that most of the people I swore I would never be are, in fact, exactly who I am.

Case in point: Exercise

Pre pregnancy: "I am going to do yoga and walk every day when I am pregnant."

Currently: tried the yoga video a couple times, hate it. Walked twice, maybe, with Mario since I have been feeling better. Twice! I better get on it...

I have had 3 people tell me they are "really feeling girl" when they asked me what I was having. (Before I mentioned I wanted a girl...) And no one has said they feel like it is a boy. We'll know in 26 short days. I keep imagining sending out that text... "It's a ..." Can you imagine if it is actually a girl????

I best be off.. need to brush my teeth, the calcium rich chocolate ice cream I just ate left a terrible taste in my mouth.

Have a fabulous day!

girl

For the las few months, I have been referring to my sweet child as "it", "she" and the occasional "he", just to even things out. I almost feel a pressure not to say what I think it is, or what I want her to be, because I worry that if I am wrong, he will feel terribly sad if he ever finds out. Not to mention the endless "I told you sos" I would hear.

Enough of all that. Wrong or not, I have always felt that I was truly meant to have a girl. I have never really doubted it. And knowing that the sex is already chosen and there is nothing I can say to change it... I still feel like I am going to have a girl. So I'm officially saying that I think I am having a girl.

Even just after typing that, I feel like I should mention something about how if I have a boy, I will be just as happy, which is completely true, of course I will be...

Why all this guilt? Why can't I want a girl? My husband always says the 'ol "I just want a healthy baby," which I get and of course agree with, but for some reason I feel guilty for not just saying that.

If I am having a boy, and he asks me if I was disappointed that he was a boy, seeing as I was so sure he was, in fact, a girl, I will tell him that thinking he was going to be a girl was the first of many things I would get wrong as a parent. Things that would end up being tiny little miracles.

We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time last week. It was quite anticlimactic. I had already cried, just imagining the moment, so many times that by the time it actually happened, all I could do was laugh, which muffled the sound of the heartbeat anyway. I won't say that it wasn't awesome to hear, but it was less dramatic, because I wasn't doubting that it was going to be there. (Even though it did take her a few minutes to find it and for just a second, I did wonder.) I had imagined holding my husbands had and looking at him and smiling as we listened, much like a scene from movie. I don't even think I looked at him once. The movies sure do make life look so much more dramatic.

Or maybe my life is less like a movie than I thought.

why is it that...

Why is it that before I was pregnant, I would never even imagine eating taco bell, and now I can't wait to get my hands on a beef taco. Really? A beef taco? I don't even eat red meat, let alone fast food beef. Poor cows.

Why is it that I go to sleep hoping to dream about what my baby will be like and I end up giving birth to a little black cat that claws the shit out of me and refuses to let me swaddle her?

Why is it?

still hanging on

Hularious. Absolutely hularious. I just re-read my last blog posting.

Preggie Pops work? What a crock. They work if I am not actually sick, but so anxious for these pregnancy symptoms to rear their ugly head, that I simply imagine I am sick.

For real morning sickness, for me at least, nothing works. And I will lie on the couch for weeks on end, getting up only to vomit, pee, and go to bed. Thankfully my loving husband will care for me - clean up my mess - make me endless amounts of peanut butter toast and bring me thousands of water glasses that I can barely get down. He will hang out with me on the weekends - not because I am such a hoot - but because he knows I have been watching bad tv all week - ALONE - and I could use the company. He will even tell me several times that I am "so beautiful" even though I have yet to shower, have not plucked my eyebrows in over a month, have a terribly frightening mustache, and my hair looks like a true rats nest. Oh I do love him.

Eventually I will have to get a prescription for Zofran -which it turns out - actually works. At least enough to take the edge off. Now if there were only a magic pill that gave me some type of appetite! I swear I will never eat gluten free bread again when this is over - I am living on it.

Enough. On to the more exciting moments in pregnancy.

Wednesday was my 29th birthday. And as a very special gift, my little one decided to pop out, just enough for me to see. Just enough for me to feel like there is actually a child growing inside of me. I feel much more connected to her (or him) now - its on a completely different level. My family and friends also came over to celebrate with me. They brought ice cream sundays - it was lovely and I was so grateful that they took the time to come see up - raising my spirits.

And even though I have lost something like 12 lbs. over these past few weeks, (yes, my skinny jeans that used to be too tight are now lose - and fit perfectly), my belly still sticks out and I can't wait for it to get bigger!! (I know Tracey - I am crazy, you can remind me of this when I am close to delivery and complaining about a whole slew of new things.)

I've been to a new Dr's Office and seen the nurse midwife there - she was very sweet and informative. After watching tv and movies all my life - I was under the impression that I would have a sonogram at my first Dr's appointment, and I was quite disappointed to find out that I have to wait until November!! What the crap? Oh well, I guess it will be that much more exciting. We will be able to find out the sex. I am feeling girl - and my sister in law informs me that my chinese chart says I am having a girl. You can't go wrong with that!

Hopefully this nasty sickness passes sooner than later - in a couple weeks we will get to hear the tiny heartbeat. I can't wait!

little life lessons...

Lesson #1 - Eating french fries and a handful of m&m's for dinner will make me feel like S#$&. (I like to blame this on Mario though... he wants to go to happy hour and instead of drinking, I eat french fries. Then, by the time we get home, I am too full to eat a proper dinner and the m&m's are SO convenient, thanks to the crazies that sent me home with a 900 lb. bag of them.)

Lesson #2 - Preggie Pops actually work!! After my super unhealthy dinner, I felt like total crap - had rising indigestion - and was completely nauseous. (Now, this could all be from just eating crap - but we'll call it the pregnancy, it's better that way, because Mario will get me things when I ask. ;) Anywho - all that aside - Mario kindly got me a preggie pop and it worked wonders. I was seriously concerned about what would happen to me once it was gone.

Lesson #3 - Eating is SO important. If I go more than 2 hours without eating, I become extremely hungry and start feeling nauseous. And this little bag of unsalted nuts that I brought with me today is not cuttign it - they actually make me want to vomit. They are so dry. I need a smoothie or something cold. Dry and flavorless sucks. Maybe this banana will do. (Is it weird that when I type the word banana, I have to sing the gewn stefani song to make sure I am spelling it correctly?)

Not really a Lesson #4 - I am glad that I was paying such "close attention" when I became pregnant. So what if it seems crazy or too early to be talking about it - I am pregnant and I am damn excited about it. It gives me that much more time to daydream about what it will be like to meet out sweet little person, to imagine what she (or he) will look like and what it will be like to see Mario holding her (or him).

My goal for this next week is to try an be more focussed on the now -today - this moment, rather than when I get to do this, and that, and what might happen later.

Wish me luck.

P