Wednesday, August 5, 2009

fear takes over

All day, I am busy being pregnant. Dreaming of all kinds of magical things. For instance, today, while showering, I was thinking about how I should use natural deodorant - and imagined that one day, my daughter would be like, "thank you mom, you were so amazing, and now I don't have cancer". I seriously had that thought. Weird, I know. Is it even possible for my deodorant to give my child cancer?

I push my stomach out in the mirror to see how I will look when I start to show. I even caress it and nonchalantly pretend like it is totally normal. Just to see how is feels. Do other people do this?

The second I get into bed, the fear sets in. I jab myself in the boob. shit, not as sore as last night.. Immediately, I am on my blackberry, googling "if my breast tenderness goes away, is it a bad sign"? Oh google, you are such a tease. And it is almost as if I am looking for bad news. Really? This is beginnign to get out of hand. I should really stop sleeping with my blackberry.

I think I need to be banned from googling anything pregnancy related unless it feels really serious. Maybe I need a pregnancy trainer that I can text anytime - I can ask questions, like, "if I sneeze, will it put too much pressure on my abdomen and cause problems with my pregnancy?" And she can reply, "NO! Go to bed, everything is fine." She can be my pregnancy sanity.

I just squeezed my boob again to see if it was sore.

I have probably done it five times since I have been writing.

I did read one thing that reisnated with me... It was something like, "Enjoy this break in breast tenderness, because it will come back. Not everything is a warning sign. Just try to do everything you can to have a healthy pregnancy; eat right, get lots of rest, drink lots of water and take your prenatals, the rest is going to happen no matter what you do.

Well, I'm off to bed. Thanks for listening.

P.S. Our first Dr. appt is on September 3rd. Yay!

P.S.s. Girl Name: Isabella Sophia
Boy Name: Vincenzo James (Inspired by Vincenzio Bambino and Mini B.! Thanks : )


  1. stop googling, save your questions for your dr,or call someone who's been pregnant, keep up with your yoga, luv the middle name for your boy!

  2. You are so funny. I agree with ME. I did the same thing though. I think it is nice to have Google because even though it can freak you out, it can also give you piece of mind.

  3. oh love, you are so funny. Try to relax...I of all people know it is stressful-- especially in the beginning. But try to rememember that what is meant to be will be. There is nothing you or anyone can do about it. And think HAPPY THOUGHTS! The power of the mind is amazing, and there is no reason to believe this little one won't thrive. Love you!

  4. Hey Pammy, would love to be your coach. Text me anytime. (If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even know how to text:).

  5. Shawn... "ME" is mom - just so you know :)

    Thanks Anna! Your amazing.

    And Kristine prepare for some nutty text questions, I'm serious about this :)

  6. I think everyone goes through this. And it never goes away the googling will come in full force when you hold your little bambino in your arms.

    Yay I have to say I love the name. Are you against people calling him Vinny, Vin, or even Chenz(yes my family calls my son Chenz lol)? I didn't want to name him Vincenzio at first because I was against the nickname Vinny, but now I love it :)

  7. You said, "I push my stomach out in the mirror to see how I will look when I start to show. I even caress it and nonchalantly pretend like it is totally normal. Just to see how is feels. Do other people do this?"

    ANSWER: YES. I used to walk around the house like this and Paul would laugh at me. And when I was 41 weeks pregnant and wanting Evan out, Paul would say, "Remember when you couldn't wait to be pregnant and you'd push your belly out?"

    I know someone already offered to be your coach, but if you need back-up, I'm here for you!