oh my goodness...

my husband is insisting we do a cardinals themed room for my sweet baby boy.

oh my goodness.

Right now, as I type, he is listing off all of the players he will have posters of, and why they deserve to be put up in his baby's room.

oh my goodness.

I told him that he could put one little football thing in his room... one. I am not sure yet if he is just trying to piss me off or if he is serious.

but I am terrified.

it'a a no go...

Gluten intollerant pregnant woman cannot, I repeat, cannot magically digest gluten simply because they are pregnant. No matter how tastey those meatballs are... the gluten will still make you sick. Don't even risk it.

For some strange reason... people have been asking me ever since I got pregnant, if I could now eat gluten. And although some of them.. we won't name names, don't actually beleive that I cannot eat gluten, pregnant or not, it turns out I still can't.

My baby belly is getting bigger every day. And I am loving it.

There are times when I am walking around the mall and I feel like my uterus is going to squeeze my bladder dry at any second, so I waddle to the bathroom, as if I am actually 9 months pregnant, becuase if I walk too fast or too bouncy, I will pee my pants.... or when I just can't find anything cute to wear.. but I am sure those moments will only get worse, so I will try to to complain about them now... at least not too much.

When I was a kid, I used to wake up and think, "today is the day I get to eat sweet cereal"... (We were only allowed sweetened cereal every other day). I was so excited to jump out of bed to eat my sweet cereal.. nevermind the fact thay my mom still made me mix it with un-sweetened cereal... It seriously got me out of bed... my poor child, let's hope he does not have a sweet tooth like mine. Anyway, back to the point of the story.... Now, when I wake up in the morning, I remember that I am pregnant and my belly is that much bigger. It does not nessicarily

"get me out of bed", but it does make me smile, every day. And it never goes away! Well... at least when it does go away (let's hope :) I will have a child!! And every day will be so much more exciting. And I am sure my little one won't have any trouble "getting me out of bed".

Being pregnant over the holidays was awesome... I ate lots of goodies and now it is time for a sweet tooth detox... ha ha, as if that is possible :) Maybe no more baking for a bit. (I know.... you're thinking, Pam does not bake... but when you really want some peanut butter cookies,

they are not so hard to put together.) I haven't wanted alcohol too much since I started trying to get pregnant... but every now and then a beer or a glass of wine smells and sounds really good. I will surely enjoy one after Vincenzo joins us. or two.

Thanks to everyone for the registry advice... you all sent so much!! As soon as we have a house to start putting everything in, I can start collecting some baby stuff. I took Mario to Ikea today to look at nursery furniture... let's just say Ikea is not really his thing. I think there was one

point that he told me he though he might die if I made him stay there any longer. I'll have to take a different buddy next time. He also has completely different tastes than me... and refuses to let me buy anything yet. My next buddy will need to be very open to allowing me to spend money... on whatever I like :)

I have some ideas for how I would like the nursery to look and thought I might share some with you... maybe spice things up a bit with some pictures. I am also thinking of trying to do a self-portrait belly picture.. so stay tuned for that.

the crib - hopefully with some colorful sheets.

I like these shelves... and the color, although I am hoping for white walls.

picture for his room...

That's all for now...

Happy New Year to everyone!

P

9 pounds...

I went to the Dr. this afternoon and was told that I had gained..... 9 POUNDS!!! Holy crap. I freaked out for a bit. Then I realized I was supposed to gain like a pound a week.. so really, I am only 4 pounds over. But good lord... I need to cut back on the sugar.

I write this as I eat one of my delicious sugar cookies....

I have also made an important decision... (those who know me know how long that might last....) I want an epidural. I know, I know... I have been saying for years that I planned to go all natural, but I looked into it... talked to a bunch of people who did it and people who chose to get the epidural, read some "natural childbirth" books and all in all... decided that natural birth is not for me. I though that I had concrete reasons not to get the epidural, but those reasons seem to have disappeared. I am very happy with my decision.

I have also been seeing another nurse midwife at the OB office and I really like her... I hope she is there when I give birth :)

That's all for now... happy christmas to everyone!

P

registering...

It may be a bit early, but seeing as we are saving to buy a house soon, shopping is not an option. Registering is the next best thing!

Anywho... I was hoping that my millions of readers, (or is it 9?) would leave me some comments and let me know what you used and didn't use - based on what you got before your little one arrived. What are some of your "must have's"? What can you not live without and what have you never touched?

Thanks ladies!!

breakdown in aisle 3...

so I was at Sprouts yesterday afternoon... looking to buy some sort of oil to rub on this growing belly of mine, (I think it is important to note that I don't actually think it will keep away the ever dreadful stretch marks, but my loving husband seems all too concerned). While waiting to ask the saleswoman a question about where this "stuff"might be, I noticed she was helping everyone and their mother before me.

Now, normally, I might be super pissed on the inside, but nice on the outside... trying to act like I am actually patient. Maybe doing some huffing and puffing and tapping of my foot. This time though, when she helped the last person before me, I started to storm away, saying something incredibly rude, loud enough for the saleswoman, the customer and her young daughter to hear.

I immediately felt terrible and overheard the saleswoman say, "I am the only one here, and there are a lot of people with questions." So, I turn around and try to apologize for being so incredibly rude - although I am pretty sure I made myself look even more like a nut job - and I stormed back in between the three of them.

So now I am trying to get out of the store before she tries to help me and she finds me before I get out. And what does this woman do??? She gives me a big giant hug. Seriously, who does that? I was just so rude to this woman and she hugs me? Well.... all this kindness gets me started crying, which I then cannot stop doing. Crying so much, that I realize the humor in all of it and start mixing in some laughing with my crying. Now I must really look like a crazy woman.

I finally get out that I am pregnant and all is suddenly understood. Through the tears, she shows me some oils that she thinks I should use. I hold back the tears to get through the checkout and rush to my car where I cry all the way home.

Oh.. it's not over yet. I get home and of course Mario's brother is over. I am trying to tell them the story, but can't get anything out but this weird mixture of hysterical laughter and crying.

I was one hot mess.

I love being pregnant.

things baby vincenzo will love...

hershey's hugs

garlic

spinach

carrots

turkey sandwiches

pretty much anything chocolate...

hot chocolate

chocolate bars

chocolate ice cream

chocolate fudge.....

peanut butter cookies - lots of them...

french fries

cranberry sauce... I think I ate enough of this over thanksgiving

egg nog.. mmmmmm

maybe some berries... if I can stay on this smoothie kick

So I guess little Vincenzo can taste all the delicious food I am eating now. I am trying desperately to eat fruits and veggies but I can't seem to stop eating chocolate. I used to pass by the candy aisle in the store and not even think about buying any... now, I browse through like it is my own personal heaven and come home with bags of holiday candy. delish.

I have also stumbled upon a fabulous flourless peanut butter cookie recipe. I have made 3 batches and plan to make many many more. (Seeing as I am not a baker... it is super simple, 1 cup peanut butter, 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder and 1 egg. I just mix them all together and roll it out. Make small cookies and bake for 10 minutes. Just like magic... dinner is ready!)

My belly is starting to feel pretty big... I grunt when I have to get up or do anything that requires movement. Sometimes I embarrass myself getting out of the car. I make this weird grunting sound getting up and then realize that the person in the car next to me heard it thinks I am a nut job. I always laugh a little afterward, which I am sure doesn't help the situation. I can't even imagine what I am going to be like when I am actually huge... people can still hardly believe I am pregnant.

I wonder if they are just being nice...

I am almost 6 months people!!! Come on, I'm sticking it out for you!

I think he will like Christmas music too... I have been listening non-stop since just before Thanksgiving.

off to eat something... have a fabulous week!

P

23 weeks

It's a Boy!

Okay.... so I was wrong, all this time. What can you do. I am having a sweet, gorgeous little boy and I couldn't be happier. It is so amazing, just to know.

Mario always said that he didn't care what the baby was, as long as it was healthy. But, judging from the smile on his face when he heard it was a boy, I think he secretly hoped it would be. Such a proud Papa.

As for me... She pointed to the little "thing" sticking out between his legs and said, "do you see this little thing right here?" I knew, of course, right away that it meant I wasn't having a girl... and for a minute, thought about saying, "no, I don't see anything there." But it was there, and yes, for a moment, I was disappointed that it was not a girl, but I was never disappointed that it is a boy. I am surprised and excited and full of emotion. I was already in love.

All of the measurements, etc., are perfect and he is as healthy as can be. 13 ounces - a can of soda... kicking around inside me. just like magic.

I am thinking that maybe I wasn't always meant to have a girl, but I was always meant to be a mom. And it feels pretty damn good.

today is the day

Well, today is the day.

Boy or girl, I will love my child with every ounce of my being. Now that we are so close to the ultrasound, I find myself hoping only for a healthy outcome. I put so much emphasis on finding out the sex, I phased out the fact that this ultrasound is to determine the health and progress of my little one. I'm not going to say, "what if...", because (just like I feel that I know it's a girl) I know our baby is perfection.

I can't wait to see my little one's big brown eyes looking up at me. Soon enough!! I am at the halfway point :)

P

what will it be??

The time is almost here... I keep telling everyone that it is a girl and certainly hope that I am right!! I have all of these nursery designs picked out and most of them lean towards girl, but I can just change a few picture choices and I am sure it will all be fine.

Anywho... I am not going to need to do that, seeing as it is a girl. I can't believe we find out in just 5 short days. It seems as though I have waited forever. I felt a cold coming on yesterday and all I could think about was, "what if this is the swine flu and I have to postpone my ultrasound appointment!!!"" It was really my biggest concern.

I also worry that my darling little one will not show us her stuff... or lack there of, during the ultrasound. I will be devastated. I seriously cannot wait any longer.

You'll be happy to know that I am not feeling sick anymore!! I have an appetite and LOVE to eat. I don't think I am eating enough, but it is slowly coming back to me. The only problem I have is the yucky taste left in my mouth by anything sweet. Of course, I can't just stop eating sweets... that's preposterous! My baby needs a little sweetness...

I may be posting a pic of my belly soon. It is finally big enough to share. I keep trying to get Mario to take a picture, but we have yet to accomplish that. I will most certainly post ultrasound pictures next week.

And lastly, please keep us in your thoughts.. we are hoping to be moved into a new home, all of our own, with space, glorious space, for our new little one before she arrives. We will begin looking in late December... wish us luck!

Peace out.

P

there is a little person inside of me...

Last night, I felt the baby move for the first time. It was like a little person was inside kicking me. And as Katy pointed out... it is! I had always thought it would feel strange and alien.

But it was magical.

And I find myself just waiting for more.

girl

I had a dream last night that I gave birth, painless birth, to a baby girl!! It was a little odd, seeing as it was painless and she was about the size of a 1 month old... but that is besides the point.

It was a girl!!

And it was not like I just "felt" like or "knew" she was a girl - she was all out girl. I can still see the image in my head, clear as day. They pulled her out and I saw it with my own eyes.

Now, who knows how much of that is actual intuition and how much is clouded by my almost obsessive need for a girl.. I am assuming it is intuition, it must be!

Still waiting to feel that movement in there. I must get back to my mashed potato and cucumber lunch. Yum.

pregnancy weight gain is a funny thing. I know that I should have at least gained some weight by now... but when the nurse weighs me and I have gained a whopping 3 pounds (mind you this is my first actual weight gain)... I am not sure how to feel. In fact, I start to go over all the crap I have been feeding my baby over the past few weeks...

smarties...

lollipops...

snickers...

taco bell...

french fries...

double whopper.. (just once and it did not end well...)

pancakes... (halfway healthy, until you add like 1/4 cup of powdered sugar.. yum)

potato skins...

but my appetite is back and that is just what I want! How can I help it if the candy aisle just calls to me, when it used to go completely unnoticed?

I have been a bad bad mommy lately. I don't think I had ingested one vegetable in weeks. I always said I wouldn't be "one of those people" who at a bunch of crap, just because my pregnancy gave me some magical free pass. I am finding that most of the people I swore I would never be are, in fact, exactly who I am.

Case in point: Exercise

Pre pregnancy: "I am going to do yoga and walk every day when I am pregnant."

Currently: tried the yoga video a couple times, hate it. Walked twice, maybe, with Mario since I have been feeling better. Twice! I better get on it...

I have had 3 people tell me they are "really feeling girl" when they asked me what I was having. (Before I mentioned I wanted a girl...) And no one has said they feel like it is a boy. We'll know in 26 short days. I keep imagining sending out that text... "It's a ..." Can you imagine if it is actually a girl????

I best be off.. need to brush my teeth, the calcium rich chocolate ice cream I just ate left a terrible taste in my mouth.

Have a fabulous day!

girl

For the las few months, I have been referring to my sweet child as "it", "she" and the occasional "he", just to even things out. I almost feel a pressure not to say what I think it is, or what I want her to be, because I worry that if I am wrong, he will feel terribly sad if he ever finds out. Not to mention the endless "I told you sos" I would hear.

Enough of all that. Wrong or not, I have always felt that I was truly meant to have a girl. I have never really doubted it. And knowing that the sex is already chosen and there is nothing I can say to change it... I still feel like I am going to have a girl. So I'm officially saying that I think I am having a girl.

Even just after typing that, I feel like I should mention something about how if I have a boy, I will be just as happy, which is completely true, of course I will be...

Why all this guilt? Why can't I want a girl? My husband always says the 'ol "I just want a healthy baby," which I get and of course agree with, but for some reason I feel guilty for not just saying that.

If I am having a boy, and he asks me if I was disappointed that he was a boy, seeing as I was so sure he was, in fact, a girl, I will tell him that thinking he was going to be a girl was the first of many things I would get wrong as a parent. Things that would end up being tiny little miracles.

We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time last week. It was quite anticlimactic. I had already cried, just imagining the moment, so many times that by the time it actually happened, all I could do was laugh, which muffled the sound of the heartbeat anyway. I won't say that it wasn't awesome to hear, but it was less dramatic, because I wasn't doubting that it was going to be there. (Even though it did take her a few minutes to find it and for just a second, I did wonder.) I had imagined holding my husbands had and looking at him and smiling as we listened, much like a scene from movie. I don't even think I looked at him once. The movies sure do make life look so much more dramatic.

Or maybe my life is less like a movie than I thought.

why is it that...

Why is it that before I was pregnant, I would never even imagine eating taco bell, and now I can't wait to get my hands on a beef taco. Really? A beef taco? I don't even eat red meat, let alone fast food beef. Poor cows.

Why is it that I go to sleep hoping to dream about what my baby will be like and I end up giving birth to a little black cat that claws the shit out of me and refuses to let me swaddle her?

Why is it?

still hanging on

Hularious. Absolutely hularious. I just re-read my last blog posting.

Preggie Pops work? What a crock. They work if I am not actually sick, but so anxious for these pregnancy symptoms to rear their ugly head, that I simply imagine I am sick.

For real morning sickness, for me at least, nothing works. And I will lie on the couch for weeks on end, getting up only to vomit, pee, and go to bed. Thankfully my loving husband will care for me - clean up my mess - make me endless amounts of peanut butter toast and bring me thousands of water glasses that I can barely get down. He will hang out with me on the weekends - not because I am such a hoot - but because he knows I have been watching bad tv all week - ALONE - and I could use the company. He will even tell me several times that I am "so beautiful" even though I have yet to shower, have not plucked my eyebrows in over a month, have a terribly frightening mustache, and my hair looks like a true rats nest. Oh I do love him.

Eventually I will have to get a prescription for Zofran -which it turns out - actually works. At least enough to take the edge off. Now if there were only a magic pill that gave me some type of appetite! I swear I will never eat gluten free bread again when this is over - I am living on it.

Enough. On to the more exciting moments in pregnancy.

Wednesday was my 29th birthday. And as a very special gift, my little one decided to pop out, just enough for me to see. Just enough for me to feel like there is actually a child growing inside of me. I feel much more connected to her (or him) now - its on a completely different level. My family and friends also came over to celebrate with me. They brought ice cream sundays - it was lovely and I was so grateful that they took the time to come see up - raising my spirits.

And even though I have lost something like 12 lbs. over these past few weeks, (yes, my skinny jeans that used to be too tight are now lose - and fit perfectly), my belly still sticks out and I can't wait for it to get bigger!! (I know Tracey - I am crazy, you can remind me of this when I am close to delivery and complaining about a whole slew of new things.)

I've been to a new Dr's Office and seen the nurse midwife there - she was very sweet and informative. After watching tv and movies all my life - I was under the impression that I would have a sonogram at my first Dr's appointment, and I was quite disappointed to find out that I have to wait until November!! What the crap? Oh well, I guess it will be that much more exciting. We will be able to find out the sex. I am feeling girl - and my sister in law informs me that my chinese chart says I am having a girl. You can't go wrong with that!

Hopefully this nasty sickness passes sooner than later - in a couple weeks we will get to hear the tiny heartbeat. I can't wait!

little life lessons...

Lesson #1 - Eating french fries and a handful of m&m's for dinner will make me feel like S#$&. (I like to blame this on Mario though... he wants to go to happy hour and instead of drinking, I eat french fries. Then, by the time we get home, I am too full to eat a proper dinner and the m&m's are SO convenient, thanks to the crazies that sent me home with a 900 lb. bag of them.)

Lesson #2 - Preggie Pops actually work!! After my super unhealthy dinner, I felt like total crap - had rising indigestion - and was completely nauseous. (Now, this could all be from just eating crap - but we'll call it the pregnancy, it's better that way, because Mario will get me things when I ask. ;) Anywho - all that aside - Mario kindly got me a preggie pop and it worked wonders. I was seriously concerned about what would happen to me once it was gone.

Lesson #3 - Eating is SO important. If I go more than 2 hours without eating, I become extremely hungry and start feeling nauseous. And this little bag of unsalted nuts that I brought with me today is not cuttign it - they actually make me want to vomit. They are so dry. I need a smoothie or something cold. Dry and flavorless sucks. Maybe this banana will do. (Is it weird that when I type the word banana, I have to sing the gewn stefani song to make sure I am spelling it correctly?)

Not really a Lesson #4 - I am glad that I was paying such "close attention" when I became pregnant. So what if it seems crazy or too early to be talking about it - I am pregnant and I am damn excited about it. It gives me that much more time to daydream about what it will be like to meet out sweet little person, to imagine what she (or he) will look like and what it will be like to see Mario holding her (or him).

My goal for this next week is to try an be more focussed on the now -today - this moment, rather than when I get to do this, and that, and what might happen later.

Wish me luck.

P

not to complain or anything....

but today is the first day that I actually don't feel good. My tummy hurts, I am super sleepy, and even considered closing my eyes, just for a second, while I was walking down the hall of the hospital. I wouldn't go as far as to say I am feeling nauseous, but all I can think about is getting home and taking a nap. "But what about all those dishes?" you say... WHAT ABOUT THEM? I hope that Chica has them done before I get home. (Chica is our lovely dog.)

I have been thinking - and although it is my nature... I do not want this blog to be all about my various pregnancy complaints. Sometimes, I can't help it. My mouth opens and complaints come out without even running them by me first. Its a problem. So for those few who actually do read this, I promise to always write something positive and hopeful.

You will all be pleased to know that yesterday and even today - I have not thought or worried about having a miscarriage! (Okay, maybe for a few brief moments in the middle of the night when a stomach ache woke me up, but that totally does not count.)

I stopped by a friends house today and she had a gift for me, preggie pops. I have them on hand, you know, just in cases. (Thanks Libby!) But why, may I ask, does something that is supposed to be "natural and made from essencial oils", list corn syrup as the first ingredient?? Seriously, you can't get away from the stuff.

Thats all for now, I best be getting back to work...

P


P.S. For those of you who have subsribed, you are now getting my postings in an email... This is actually a blog posting, in case you were confused.

Love.

status: currently LOVING being pregnant....

I met with a Dr. today - to see if I liked her. I don't think she liked me. She didn't laugh at any of my little jokes and could have cared less about my background stories to my questions. Those of you who know me well, know that I am a very sarcastic gal and I like people to laugh, or at least smile, at my jokes, funny or not. :) This Dr. seemed annoyed with what I had to ask and say.

FIRED. totally fired.

I am canceling my 9/3 appointment at the hokey "Harmony and Wellness Center" (which is NOTHING like Private Practice, which I had imagined it to be), and have booked another appointment with a friend's Dr.'s Office - with a Nurse/Midwife on September 1st. Yay.

Next topic: the heartbeat. When do I get to hear it?? I had imagined I would hear it at my first appointment at 8 weeks - but sadly, as I learned today, I HAVE TO WAIT! What the crap. I hope that I can make an extra appointment to hear it during my 12th week - I can't wait that long!

Oh my sweet little person. My body is making a person. Sometimes, I can't even fathom it. Sometimes it makes me want to cry. Sometimes it makes me crazy, sore, and a little sleepy. But mostly, it makes me purely happy and full of joyful anticipation.

Peace Out.

P

fear takes over

All day, I am busy being pregnant. Dreaming of all kinds of magical things. For instance, today, while showering, I was thinking about how I should use natural deodorant - and imagined that one day, my daughter would be like, "thank you mom, you were so amazing, and now I don't have cancer". I seriously had that thought. Weird, I know. Is it even possible for my deodorant to give my child cancer?

I push my stomach out in the mirror to see how I will look when I start to show. I even caress it and nonchalantly pretend like it is totally normal. Just to see how is feels. Do other people do this?

The second I get into bed, the fear sets in. I jab myself in the boob. shit, not as sore as last night.. Immediately, I am on my blackberry, googling "if my breast tenderness goes away, is it a bad sign"? Oh google, you are such a tease. And it is almost as if I am looking for bad news. Really? This is beginnign to get out of hand. I should really stop sleeping with my blackberry.

I think I need to be banned from googling anything pregnancy related unless it feels really serious. Maybe I need a pregnancy trainer that I can text anytime - I can ask questions, like, "if I sneeze, will it put too much pressure on my abdomen and cause problems with my pregnancy?" And she can reply, "NO! Go to bed, everything is fine." She can be my pregnancy sanity.

I just squeezed my boob again to see if it was sore.

I have probably done it five times since I have been writing.

I did read one thing that reisnated with me... It was something like, "Enjoy this break in breast tenderness, because it will come back. Not everything is a warning sign. Just try to do everything you can to have a healthy pregnancy; eat right, get lots of rest, drink lots of water and take your prenatals, the rest is going to happen no matter what you do.

Well, I'm off to bed. Thanks for listening.

P.S. Our first Dr. appt is on September 3rd. Yay!

P.S.s. Girl Name: Isabella Sophia
Boy Name: Vincenzo James (Inspired by Vincenzio Bambino and Mini B.! Thanks : )

the baby book...

So I was standing around at Barnes and Noble with a stack of books, ranging from the "How To Book - For A New Dad" to the "Complete Organic Pregnancy", (all of which I should not be buying).

I was struggling to decide between the Mayo Clinic - here is everything that can go wrong during your pregnancy book - (yes, I did look up cramping and ectopic pregnancies) and the Baby Journal I have had my eyes on for YEARS!

at this point, I think I made the right choice...

It makes me smile.

I do not have an ectopic pregnancy. I do not have an ectopic pregnancy. I do not....

I realize this is my first post since the big announcement and I am filled with all sorts of excitement, nerves, questions, and FEARS!!

The fear that I have an ectopic pregnancy. I have cramping, light cramping at that. My new mantra is... "I do not have an ectopic pregnancy."

google is seriously freaking me out. (especially at 3am this morning)

It is so weird to actually BE pregnant. Weird and wonderful. I have been taking a few days to let it all sink in and it is so amazing to know that my body is currently making a human. A person is growing inside me. Blows my mind.

All of this fascinating stuff is happening and I can already feel it. And everything I feel, for some reason, makes me think something is wrong. Is it possible that I am just PREGNANT? I would hope that if a human was being made inside my body - I would feel something, right?

I think I am too in tune with my body. I feel too much going on. I bet if I had no symptoms, I would be terrified for a whole slew of other reasons.

Either way, I am taking hold of my sister-in law's advice and just "going with it".

P

no words.

if this was last month...

If this was last month, I would have already taken 2 pregnancy tests and sworn to everyone I know, that I was surely pregnant. "they" say I could take one today, but I am holding out until I actually miss my period. Which would be Friday.

Now that I am writing this, I am considering going to get one. What is wrong with me!!!

Nope - not today at least. All the same symptoms as last month - so my hopes are not very high - but staying positive.

Happy Monday!

p

I am so ordering one of these... but of which letter?

http://www.paulthurlby.com/

2 things that suck...

1. PMS
2. Having PMS probably means I am not pregnant, again.

Poo.

**update**
I just spent (wasted) some time on the trusty net - apparently tons of women experienced pms (aka bitchiness) prior to a positive pregnancy test.

Am feeling a little bit better.

2 things that rock...

1. I am having a good hair day.
...come on, I know there is another one...

funny things...

a few things about tonight:

1. while lying on the bed watching Sponge Bob with Andrew and Patty - Patty points to the tiny piece of thong showing above my pants and says, "is that your hair tie pammy?" Hilarious.

2. when you ask a 2 year old to "please stop wiping your hands in your hair," it becomes the most hilarious thing to do, in the world. Blue icing is never a good idea. And after we laugh hysterically together, (just for fun), he stops short, takes a bite of his cake and says, "mmm cream". Maybe you had to be there, but it was beautiful.

3. all night long, patty follows me around telling me some dramatic story about something I cannot understand, but I listen intently and ask questions, because when I do, he smiles up and me and I just want to squeeze him.

4. sometimes, when I read to the boys, I feel like I am the most amazing storyteller in all the land. I use voices, get loud and sometimes scary. They must love reading books with me, I am that good. It is probably a lot like singing in the car, if someone else is around, it is just some boring old story.

5. when the boys asked for "just a little bite" of cake before they headed off to bed, I said yes. And I made them each one more delicious bite of cake. It was fabulous. Just one of the perks of being the babysitter I guess.

Still working at the baby making. I am trying not to be as crazy about it this go around. I have put on a few pre-pregnancy pounds, which I have been assured of by many close friends, is completely normal. I have only considered taking a pregnancy test, just to see (if my period was one of those fluke periods some women get when they are, in fact, pregnant), a few times. I have yet to buy one.

Happy weekend everybody. (I am talking to you my 4! followers)

P

p.s. I think I'm ready to share this blog now - so if any readers can think of people they know that may be interested in reading my nonsense, please feel free to send them the link :)

Better luck next month...

So I'm not pregnant.

Unless my period is just "spotting", I am sure it's not, and my cramps don't show up, I am sure they will.

Yes, like usual, even though all signs point to NO, I still hold on to an tiny, unrealistic glimmer of hope.

So what will I be doing tonight? Drinking wine, of course!! Delicious wine, red and expensive, (you know, the $15 kind ;). I have not had a drink in weeks, and it makes the whole "disappointment" thing much easier to take.

I'm not even truly disappointed... I think I was mostly anxious, waiting for something to come. It is the not knowing that drives me crazy.

In the end, I realize that waiting another month or so will not be so bad. She (or he) will be born closer to the summer when Mario can be home to help me; I will be closer to having health insurance, which does not start until September; and through all of this, I have realized that I need to stop rushing things. Life is so much more enjoyable when I am not putting pressure on things happening on a particular time line. I guess I just need to make the right choices to set things in motion and then just let it happen. I like to think that I will be able to do that, but also know that I might get a little anxious again next month. I am sure that is to be expected.

I'll be sure to take that last test tonight, you know, just in cases :)

Happy weekend everybody.

P

Early Riser...

6:00 AM woke up thinking about my test after a very vivid dream about getting a positive result.

6:15 AM still trying to go back to sleep...

6:45 AM I might as well get up and take the damn test, otherwise I will never get back to sleep.

Negative.

7:00 AM I'll just get up and check it one more time. Still negative. No matter how wide I open my eyes, no matter how close I look. Still Negative.

The rest of the day: rationalizing as to why it is totally ok that I am most likely not pregnant, while still holding on to a tiny glimmer of hope that the tests are wrong.

tww...

For weeks, I have been addicted to pregnancy forums online and have always wondered what the crap "tww" was. Well, now I know.

The two week wait.

Oh how I LOATH the two week wait. It's funny how many women will tell you to just stop thinking about it, and it will happen. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? And how am I supposed to STOP thinking about it when it is all I want to think about? Easy to say when you already got your positive test results. Easy.

I spent all weekend telling my family that I was hopefully pregnant. Starting my very own rumors. I took a test on Monday, even though, once again, I knew it was still too early. My logic? The test was really only $5, so even if it was "just for fun", at least I didn't waste too much money. And why can't I take one once a day - who am I hurting.

Turns out I am actually hurting myself. I went with Mario today to buy some more tests - and even though I promised a friend I would wait until tomorrow morning, I couldn't help myself when I got home. Negative. I am actually feeling a little sad. And my hopes are a little lower - this can't be good. So now, I am not hopefully searching the net for baby room ideas and pregnancy blogs - but worrying that I might not be pregnant.

I could swear I "feel" pregnant. I really do. I still have high hopes and look forward to the next test, which I will take tomorrow morning. I am not kidding myself by attempting to wait yet another day. If it is negative, I will rationalize the same way that I did today - it is still to early crazy lady!!

And I will leave the room a little more sad - but still hopeful for the next days test.

no house... no "confirmed" pregnancy...

...but oh am I excited about decorating a nursery!! You'd be surprised by the amount of time one can waste looking at pretty pictures of nurseries on blogs. I have managed to save some fabulous inspiration from the web.

I neeeeeed this crib.

only 1 million dollars.

It looks like I will need to get myself a gorgeous "old" house with wood floors! How does it go? First love, then marriage, then baby, then house? Yeah - that sounds about right.

Feeling just a little bit pregnant...

Questions:

1. If it is possible to "feel pregnant", then it is logical to assume that one can also feel "not-pregnant", right? If so, I most definitely don't feel "not pregnant". If you look hard enough online, and type in just the right search query, you can make any odd feeling a pregnancy symptom. The internet can make you totally crazy and help you to feel totally comfortable with it all at the same time. There is always someone out there who wondered the same thing.

2. Are my boobs sore (as in an early symptom of pregnancy) or are they just teder from my hourly jabs to "check" for possible soreness?

3. Lastly, why is it that even though I KNOW that a pregnancy test won't work until next Tuesday, I took one yesterday, secretly hoping that I would be this superwoman that was so pregnant, it showed up a week early.

Seriously, I hope I'm pregnant just for the sake of my sanity. Maybe I can stop obsessing over getting pregnant and get some actual work done.

So it has been about a week since I discovered I could get pregnant any minute now - and still be covered under my husband's long awaited medical insurance - and I have:

1. chosen a possible doctor.
2. checked out 5 pregnancy books from the local library, (including titles such as, The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy, Green Baby, and Louder than words - the Jenny McCarthy Autism book). Yes, you can already see my pregnancy personality developing - organic, afraid and hoping for a sense of humor.
3. Read 2 of these pregnancy books.
4. Decided on names. Yes, my sweet daughter's name has been picked out for YEARS, Isabella, but I am currently working on Nico, for my first son. I say "first" son, because, let's face it, I married a Bernasconi, and I say "working on", because I need to get Mario on board.
5. Taken a pregnancy test. To clarify, we haven't actually started trying yet, but somehow, all of this "pregnancy" talk convinced me that I was actually pregnant. It took really bad cramps, a negative pregnancy test and having my period for 2 full days, to actually convince me that I was, in fact, not pregnant.
6. Checked numerous ovulation calculators to see when the "best" time to conceive will be. And also, to see when I would actually give birth.
   Given up on planning a perfect time of the year to get pregnant - ASAP sounds like the best plan to me.
7. Driven Mario a little crazy - he certainly doesn't understand all of this planning - it is just not in his blood. Good thing I like to plan - I can take care of it for the both of us :)
   

Now all I have to do is GET PREGNANT! I'll keep you posted....

p

Note

I should add that this "pink" that I am leaking is coming out of my skin. Those of you who know me well will have already figured out that if I had been leaking from anywhere else, I would have never shared.

google search: "my ass is turning the toilette seat pink?"

I'm not even joking.

So the other day, Mario points out that the normally white toilette seat is pink?? (We have one of those disgusting padded toilette seats that he refuses to let me replace. You know, the ones that let out all the extra air when you settle down onto it.)

Hmmmm.

I have no idea how it got this way. I wonder at first if I had worn any pink panties, shorts, etc. But quickly remember that when the toilette is used, one doesn't typically wear "bottoms". I am at a loss for a few days and Mario points out again, that the bed sheet has a pink tint to it as well.

Only on my side.

WTF? So, who do I turn to? Google of course. I honestly typed in, "my ass is turning my toilette seat pink?" I come across a wealth of information, mostly in "pregnancy" forums about other women who have experienced the same phenomenon. Most of the women are making fun of each other, but I start to see them talking about the correlation between their pregnancy and the pink toilette seat syndrome. It turns out that the only women with this problem are pregnant!! Don't get all excited, I am so not pregnant, but what do most pregnant women do?? They take pre-natals. Turns out that the vitamins do something to my hormones which makes my body leak pink. I guess this is the first "odd" thing in a long string of events that I will experience during my soon-to-be pregnancy.

This reminds me of a time when Mario and I had first started spending the night together - I kept waking up with a black tongue! WTF? Apparently Google and I did not have such a great relationship back then, because I just worried for a few weeks that I had some terribly embarrassing disease. Soon enough, Mario comes to me complaining that his tongue has been black in the mornings.

Hmmmm.

Somehow, we come to the conclusion that the chewable pepto bismol we had been taking was the most possible culprit and decided to do a little experiment. I took some, he did not - long story short, we were right. Apparently you can't take chewable pepto at night before bed without waking up with the mysterious "black tounge". (I'm also not quite sure why we had been taking so much pepto...)

I should also add that a few women changed their seats blueish purple - and they ended up having boys - looks like I am still on the right track for that girl. All signs point to yes!

prenatal

I took my first prenatal vitamin today. I am pretty sure it is still stuck in my throat - it was the size of my pinkie finger. I read somewhere that too much folic acid can cause ... you guessed it, Autism. I think that's why I waited so long to buy them... fear of Autism.

I'll have to do some research on that.

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I could feel that my tummy was stretched - it was not a "pregnant" belly - but I could feel that I was pregnant. I could feel my stomach bloating out and I LOVED IT! It threw me off all day. I remember thinking, "I am actually pregnant," and I can still remember what it felt like, now. I was so happy.

I think I have said the b word to Mario 10+ times today. It's so exciting to think that sometime this year, I could actually BE pregnant. Good God I hope so.

Little princesses

So today I got to pick Andrew and his darling friend Julia from school. Out of nowhere Andrew asks me, "who is my wife gonna be?". To which I reply, "who do you want your wife to be?". He doesn't know, but I assure him that he will find out someday. Then the topic moved on to how many kids they would have. They have decided to marry each other, but Andrew can have 2 wives if he would like. 4 is a but young to be planning these things, but I humored them with questions. Julia, sweet as she is, is going to have 2 little girls at the same time. Because her "tummy is made for 2.". I wonder if one day she might actually have twin girls, and like most kids, she just knows these things.

Either way, "they're going to be princesses. Yep. They're both going to be princesses.". And they are going to be so beautiful that she is going to give them roses.

If you think that's cute... You should see her. She's a doll.

If you could see me right now...

...I'd be posing.

I just had the most amazing day of boudoir/lingerie shoots. My feet are so tired... And yes, I am blogging in the bath, again.

Is it weird that I feel sexier after a shoot like that? I even catch myself posing a bit and moving like a model. I'm not even joking. Its like when your on a ship and you get off and still feel like your on the boat. If that even makes sense.

Eff it....

One glass of wine a night won't hurt....

...Right?

Blogging in the bath...

Can I blog about things other than kids?

Today, Mario left the house at 2pm and returned at 930. I was still sitting in the same place he left me. I am sure you can guess where that was.

I am trying not to drink during the week and was finally able to force myself away from the computer to take a bath and quiet my mind from my 12 hour workday. And here I am blogging in the BATH! I'm a wreck. Its terrifying actually. It could drop into the water at any time. Then it's bye bye blackberry.

I think my next vacation will be sans computer and blackberry. I think that vacation may need to come soon.

I wonder if I could even go 24 hours.

Lifted

It's amazing how a bad day can be transformed into something wonderful with just one look into the face of a child.

Blueberry

I can blog from my blackberry. This could be interesting.

bees

This morning, Patty and I made a trip to the park. There was a bee that would not leave him alone. And although he did not seem to be bothered, I must have looked like I was on drugs. I could not decide whether to move in and save poor Patty or run the other direction. Actually, let me rephrase that... I knew I should move in and save him, but my body would not cooperate. Eventually, I was able to pick him up and run - but the bee would not leave!! So I put him back down and shouted - "we just have to leave Patty, this bee just won't go away." To which he replied, "won't go away". Patty likes to repeat the last few words you say, it is heartbreakingly cute. I got him to "race" me towards the car. I think the bee finally flew off. He must have thought I was crazy.

I always wonder if the other moms at the park think I am Patty's nanny or his mom. I look nothing like him - so they must get it. I wonder this, because I look at them and wonder. I am never brave enough to talk to them.

We decided to go to the Biltmore - for lunch and some exploring. While trying on a pair of sun glasses, we knocked over a window display. Time to go home.

baby

My sister had a baby over the weekend. A baby! A sweet, soft, beautiful, tiny boy. He was not supposed to join us for 5 more weeks, but he just couldn't wait. He is such a long boy. When he came out, he stretched his entire body out in all directions. I thought for a moment that he had some abnormality of long limbs. It turns out he is simply perfect. It's interesting how something so traumatic for a little one can be so beautiful to us. His cry was even magnificent. I watched his dad hold his hand and hover over him with a love that cannot be explained. A joy that is indescribable. He has this tiny little face - a little like a man - I am in love with him.

Little Jackson was born into a room filled with people who love him truly and unconditionally. Family is such a magical thing. His grandparents were able to get on planes and make it to the hospital before his birth. It was Shawn (mommy), Paul (daddy), me (the photographer :), Mary (the cousin), Tracey (the sister in-law), and his grandmas, all in the room for the grand event. Sometimes I caught myself just staring down at Shawn lying in the bed in pain - she would look up at me and I would realize it - she must have felt like a display. I'm not sure I want that many people in my room - it seems a bit overwhelming.

While holding Jackson today, I noticed that his feet are huge! I wonder if he will grow into them. He makes these little expressions, and for a minute, you might think he is a tiny little old man. But then he softens back up again and looks perfectly serene. I should get a picture of his old man face to show to him when he gets older. Although, secretly, I hope that he does not get too much older, (at least not too soon).

His mommy is doing really well - although I think she is now seriously nesting. I know that usually comes before the baby, but she was not quite ready for his arrival, so she is making up for it now. I keep telling her to sit down and tell me what needs to be done - but she feels bad asking to hold her baby. Can you believe it! You have to keep an eye out for her to longingly look in your direction - and then you have to give him up.

She loves him so much. It is amazing. I am tearing up just thinking about it now. She just keeps saying that she can't wait for me to have a baby because it is so amazing.

I can't wait either.

Legos.

Last Tuesday, Andrew informed me that he was going to Lego Land. On Thursday. With his Mom. Patty would have to stay back, as he is still too small to ride anything. There are also apparently a VERY scary roller coaster that "dumps you out, upside down" at this park. I asked his momma when they were planning to take him.... I take it by her reaction that she was obviously not involved in his planning.

Andrew loves legos. I mean REALLY loves them. For hours. He also loves to talk about legos. For hours. And I have learned that legos can be a great way to pass time. We build lots of houses and gardens. (I typically build really tall towers.) Sadly, I am not quite as talented as his father - which always seems to dissapoint Andrew.

"Oh, I'll just wait for my daddy to come home and build it with me."

We had a contest - because I was anxious to build my own lego contraption, rather than build what Andrew insisted I make. The idea was that you would stick your hand into the lego box and grab a handful, blindly, and then make something out of what you ended up with. I of course gave Andrew an extra handful, due to the obvious difference in the size of our hands, and I'm pretty sure he peeked. Nonetheless, he came up with a fantastically complicated and detaild machine. It looked much like a truck from the future. I was quite impressed.

"It's a flower truck and look, here are the air vents to keep them fresh and everything."

This kid has got quite an imagination.

When he was little, (which I guess he still is, so we'll say littler), he would ask me to roll him up like a burrito. He would laugh histarically the entire time I rolled him all up in the blanket, and then after I ate him, we would immediatley need to make another burrito. Mmmm.

next... dance parties

Napkins - February 10 2009

We went to Pie Zanos for polka dot pizza. (We can't go to Mary Coyle's anymore - I have no self control and ALWAYS order and finish a chocolate shake.... for lunch. I always order it with the boys lunch too, which is terribly mean. I am telling you, I have no self control.) Anywho, about the napkins... For some reason, I decided that it was my mission to get Patty to use a napkin today. Pizza is messy. I think the gentleman sitting across from me must have thought I was crazy. In order for Patty to remember to use his napkin, I have to remind him after each bite, before his hand gracefully wipes across his chest. This is not an easy feat, he is a quick one and I am quite forgetful. I even had him holding two napkins, one in each hand, but he was quite confused by this. By the time we made it to the car, he had polka dot pizza all over his shirt - mixed with a little choco taco of course. yum.

next.... legos.

The Library... February 10 2009

Went to the public library downtown with Patty today. Forgot that the elevators were so much fun. Poor Patty. He seems to be fantastically excited and equally paralyzed at the same time. I should mention, I am terrified in these elevators. They are all windows and, in my opinion, move much to quickly, without warning. The first time I rode in one, I almost vomited. Anywho...he can only think about getting into one, the entire time we are there, and when we finally get in, he tenses up and is immediately overwhelmed with fear. The fear doesn't stop him - he is quite the daredevil - once we are out - he just wants to get back in. Seriously, I'm not sure why I thought I could "browse" for a new book with a 2 year old...

Do toddlers have a free pass in a library to be noisy? To shout out "that one", "go there" and "waterfalls" repeatedly, on every floor? Or am I supposed to remind him that "we have to be quiet when we are in a library", the whole time. What is more annoying? I'm not sure...

I have decided I would rather be at a bookstore. The books are prettier there anyway. And Patty can be as loud as he wants. We can let it all hang out.

All he could talk about were the elevators and the "Waterfalls" (translation: pond... anything H20 related is referred to by Patty as a waterfall). Anyway - we tried to read a few exciting books, but they did not, by far, compare to the ever so magnificent elevators. (Which, although Patty never forgot them, were, I'm sure, strategically placed out of view from the kid's section.) It seems like the whole time we are in the library, Patty just wants to get out. He stares intently out the back windows while I try to interest him in my pile of books. I am always trying to think of interesting things for him to do - but when it comes down to it, he is pretty much excited to do anything with me. <3

So we were back in the car. The library turned out to be quite boring, that is, unless I was interested in riding the elevators up and down for the rest of the morning. Which I wasn't. Patty seemed quite interested in the train, (translation: light rail). So I decided to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes, hoping to catch one passing by. Nothing came.

On the way to pick Andrew up from school, I took the long way. I looked back at Patty at one point and he had this smile full of sheer joy on his face. He didn't care where we were or what we were doing, he was just happy to be. Good God I love this kid. He just laughed. Does he know something I don't?

At lunch, Andrew informed me that if I exercise a lot, I can live for "twenty twenty" years. I think that is LOT of years in AndrewLand. I should really start exercising.