today is the day

Well, today is the day.

Boy or girl, I will love my child with every ounce of my being. Now that we are so close to the ultrasound, I find myself hoping only for a healthy outcome. I put so much emphasis on finding out the sex, I phased out the fact that this ultrasound is to determine the health and progress of my little one. I'm not going to say, "what if...", because (just like I feel that I know it's a girl) I know our baby is perfection.

I can't wait to see my little one's big brown eyes looking up at me. Soon enough!! I am at the halfway point :)

P

what will it be??

The time is almost here... I keep telling everyone that it is a girl and certainly hope that I am right!! I have all of these nursery designs picked out and most of them lean towards girl, but I can just change a few picture choices and I am sure it will all be fine.

Anywho... I am not going to need to do that, seeing as it is a girl. I can't believe we find out in just 5 short days. It seems as though I have waited forever. I felt a cold coming on yesterday and all I could think about was, "what if this is the swine flu and I have to postpone my ultrasound appointment!!!"" It was really my biggest concern.

I also worry that my darling little one will not show us her stuff... or lack there of, during the ultrasound. I will be devastated. I seriously cannot wait any longer.

You'll be happy to know that I am not feeling sick anymore!! I have an appetite and LOVE to eat. I don't think I am eating enough, but it is slowly coming back to me. The only problem I have is the yucky taste left in my mouth by anything sweet. Of course, I can't just stop eating sweets... that's preposterous! My baby needs a little sweetness...

I may be posting a pic of my belly soon. It is finally big enough to share. I keep trying to get Mario to take a picture, but we have yet to accomplish that. I will most certainly post ultrasound pictures next week.

And lastly, please keep us in your thoughts.. we are hoping to be moved into a new home, all of our own, with space, glorious space, for our new little one before she arrives. We will begin looking in late December... wish us luck!

Peace out.

P

there is a little person inside of me...

Last night, I felt the baby move for the first time. It was like a little person was inside kicking me. And as Katy pointed out... it is! I had always thought it would feel strange and alien.

But it was magical.

And I find myself just waiting for more.

girl

I had a dream last night that I gave birth, painless birth, to a baby girl!! It was a little odd, seeing as it was painless and she was about the size of a 1 month old... but that is besides the point.

It was a girl!!

And it was not like I just "felt" like or "knew" she was a girl - she was all out girl. I can still see the image in my head, clear as day. They pulled her out and I saw it with my own eyes.

Now, who knows how much of that is actual intuition and how much is clouded by my almost obsessive need for a girl.. I am assuming it is intuition, it must be!

Still waiting to feel that movement in there. I must get back to my mashed potato and cucumber lunch. Yum.

pregnancy weight gain is a funny thing. I know that I should have at least gained some weight by now... but when the nurse weighs me and I have gained a whopping 3 pounds (mind you this is my first actual weight gain)... I am not sure how to feel. In fact, I start to go over all the crap I have been feeding my baby over the past few weeks...

smarties...

lollipops...

snickers...

taco bell...

french fries...

double whopper.. (just once and it did not end well...)

pancakes... (halfway healthy, until you add like 1/4 cup of powdered sugar.. yum)

potato skins...

but my appetite is back and that is just what I want! How can I help it if the candy aisle just calls to me, when it used to go completely unnoticed?

I have been a bad bad mommy lately. I don't think I had ingested one vegetable in weeks. I always said I wouldn't be "one of those people" who at a bunch of crap, just because my pregnancy gave me some magical free pass. I am finding that most of the people I swore I would never be are, in fact, exactly who I am.

Case in point: Exercise

Pre pregnancy: "I am going to do yoga and walk every day when I am pregnant."

Currently: tried the yoga video a couple times, hate it. Walked twice, maybe, with Mario since I have been feeling better. Twice! I better get on it...

I have had 3 people tell me they are "really feeling girl" when they asked me what I was having. (Before I mentioned I wanted a girl...) And no one has said they feel like it is a boy. We'll know in 26 short days. I keep imagining sending out that text... "It's a ..." Can you imagine if it is actually a girl????

I best be off.. need to brush my teeth, the calcium rich chocolate ice cream I just ate left a terrible taste in my mouth.

Have a fabulous day!

girl

For the las few months, I have been referring to my sweet child as "it", "she" and the occasional "he", just to even things out. I almost feel a pressure not to say what I think it is, or what I want her to be, because I worry that if I am wrong, he will feel terribly sad if he ever finds out. Not to mention the endless "I told you sos" I would hear.

Enough of all that. Wrong or not, I have always felt that I was truly meant to have a girl. I have never really doubted it. And knowing that the sex is already chosen and there is nothing I can say to change it... I still feel like I am going to have a girl. So I'm officially saying that I think I am having a girl.

Even just after typing that, I feel like I should mention something about how if I have a boy, I will be just as happy, which is completely true, of course I will be...

Why all this guilt? Why can't I want a girl? My husband always says the 'ol "I just want a healthy baby," which I get and of course agree with, but for some reason I feel guilty for not just saying that.

If I am having a boy, and he asks me if I was disappointed that he was a boy, seeing as I was so sure he was, in fact, a girl, I will tell him that thinking he was going to be a girl was the first of many things I would get wrong as a parent. Things that would end up being tiny little miracles.

We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time last week. It was quite anticlimactic. I had already cried, just imagining the moment, so many times that by the time it actually happened, all I could do was laugh, which muffled the sound of the heartbeat anyway. I won't say that it wasn't awesome to hear, but it was less dramatic, because I wasn't doubting that it was going to be there. (Even though it did take her a few minutes to find it and for just a second, I did wonder.) I had imagined holding my husbands had and looking at him and smiling as we listened, much like a scene from movie. I don't even think I looked at him once. The movies sure do make life look so much more dramatic.

Or maybe my life is less like a movie than I thought.

why is it that...

Why is it that before I was pregnant, I would never even imagine eating taco bell, and now I can't wait to get my hands on a beef taco. Really? A beef taco? I don't even eat red meat, let alone fast food beef. Poor cows.

Why is it that I go to sleep hoping to dream about what my baby will be like and I end up giving birth to a little black cat that claws the shit out of me and refuses to let me swaddle her?

Why is it?