Pammy's Journal

we have moved!!

2010-05-03T22:19:00.001-07:00

I have moved the blog to www.vincenzojames.blogspot.com. Please visit often!

Day 7 (April 24, 2010)

2010-04-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

oh dear god I love this child.

no more chord stump. just a perfect little belly button.

He has arrived

2010-04-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

I still cannot find the words to describe what I'm feeling. So I am leaving you with just pictures. The amount of love that I am feeling for this little family of mine is overwhelmingly amazing.

pure bliss.

I promise to write more soon, right now, I just want to stare at my baby.

Momma P.

f.u.c.k.

2010-04-18T04:21:00.001-07:00

Oh... So this is what a contraction feels like.

f.u.c.k.

Its not even worth saying "I'm so glad I didn't do this all natural" because it NEVER would have happened.

I think I am something like a 3 and it hurts like a mother. Guess the gels are working.

When do we start talking epidural?

2010-04-14T18:25:00.000-07:00

Does anyone have the same problem I have. That one thing you know you shouldn't eat, but can't stop dipping your finger in? So much that you actually have to fill the bowl with water to ruin the chance of possibly getting anymore? So much, that after you actually cook it, you can't imagine eating any of them without vomiting?

brownie mix. I think I actually make it just to eat the dough.

For some reason, this kid just. loves. chocolate. I went to the store today to get milk and came home with chocolate brownie mix, chocolate soy milk and chocolate ice cream. Seriously, this is getting bad. No wonder he doesn't want to come out... he won't get these delicious foods on the outside. I think they will be my last junk food purchases for a while.

As many of you already know, we are STILL WAITING!! This little guy is taking his sweet time. I don't like to think he is overdue... I think it is more of a mistake on our part... we were just early. I will be induced on Friday if he is not here yet, and it is looking more and more like a reality at this point. I am not excited about that, but at least I know that I will be looking into his big eyes at some point this weekend.

Can you believe it! Can't wait to meet him.

here I sit, upon my ball...

2010-04-09T08:06:00.000-07:00

It is 8:06 am and I have already downed 2 cookies. Yum.

I woke up way too early this morning. 6 am. Who gets up at 6 am? I had been in and out of sleep since nearly 1 am due to some and cramping, which I hoped, knowing it was false, would last through the morning and turn into something more like, I don't know, maybe actual labor!! I got up with my lovely husband, who does actually have to get up before 6 am every morning for work, to see if they would subside or continue to get stronger.

Of course they went away. And now my hair is too wet to go back to bed. I will surely need a nap later.

I had a little talk with Vincenzo while in the shower this morning. We will have to see if it has done any good.

I have been hanging out on my exercise ball all morning, trying to get some emails out. Trying to pass the time. Rolling back and forth. I read that it can help labor progress in the early stages. Let's hope so. As of now, all it has managed to do is make my lady parts numb and incredibly heavy when I stand up. I am sure you all wanted to know that.

I have a feeling I will probably be going to my Dr. appointment on Monday, even though I swore I would have my baby before then. Let's hope not.

Here's to hoping that my next post is about being in labor!!

oh the waiting....

2010-04-06T13:18:00.001-07:00

So I have created these elaborate lists of things to do, in order to keep myself busy during this excruciating period of waiting. One thing on my list... thank you cards. I am ever so grateful for all of the wonderful baby gifts that have been pouring in, ever so grateful. However, I am not a big fan of thank you cards. I would rather call someone to thank them, or thank them in person when I open their gift. It just seems like such a stale formality. Almost so expected that it becomes meaningless.

And although I am someone who would not know the difference between someone sending me one or not, I know that there are also people out there who may be offended if they do not receive one.

I considered calling some people and sending emails to others (wherever appropriate). But I still feel like I am "supposed" to send an actual written card out. So, I have devised a plan... when I send out announcements, I will just drop in a thank you to those wonderful people who have given our little Vincenzo a gift. It will be perfect. My only concern is whether or not that is considered waiting to long. I hate all of the rules!

I guess I will just do what works for me. I am sure that people know how grateful we are for these wonderful gifts... it is amazing how much "stuff" you need with a new baby coming.

On another note.... when is this baby coming!!! I am waiting....

Christmas in April...

2010-04-01T15:39:00.000-07:00

Today I received a very special package from my Aunt Julie and Uncle Bob in Texas. It is my little Vincenzo's very own Christmas stocking. It brought tears to my eyes. My Aunt Julie has made them for everyone for years... I still even have my own. I can't wait to hang it.

Thank you so much, we will cherish it forever!

...and here it is

2010-03-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

The anxiousness has arrived. And it has brought boredom along with it. Not boredom because there is nothing to do... don't get me wrong, I could be vacuuming, cleaning, organizing, packing for the hospital, cleaning out my car, plucking my eyebrows, walking my dog, making a lasagna, an on and on. Boredom, because I am ready, again, for the next step and I am stuck waiting... again.

If you have read any of this blog.. you know I am no good at waiting.

Things I tend to do when I am bored...

lay on the couch and think about what I could eat.

eat.

think about some things I could be doing. but do nothing.

think about how I would like Vincenzo to be born, today. right now.

google labor signs. "How do I know when I am barely starting to go into labor?"

Sit in Vincenzo's room and daydream.

Write in my blog.

I am not sure I would want to be shooting at this point, but I certainly did not need to take a whole month off before the baby arrived like I had originally thought.. I am glad that those plans did not work out.

I wish Mario had spring break every week... then he could hang out with me. By the way, I am fully aware that those of you at work, especially my husband, would give anything to be "bored" at home and have no "9-5" job to go to every day. It doesn't make me any less bored.

Maybe if Micah was feeling better, I could hang with Tracey. Or... if I had some extra $, I could go shopping. Hmmm... that reminds me. I need to go get a nursing bra.

Check ya later! I found something fun to do.

12 days and counting....

2010-03-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

This morning, I was thinking I should focus on trying to enjoy my last week or so of being pregnant, because even though I will be overwhelmed with joy when he is here, I am sure I will miss having the little guy inside of me. This option seems much better than just being anxious for him to "get out already!".

Turns out I am better at being anxious and impatient than just enjoying the moment.

It is now only noon and boy am I starting to feel some pressure. This must be what Tracey was talking about all those days we spent watching bad movies together before she gave birth to Micah. Not very enjoyable.

I still plan to try and hold back my impatient nature and appreciate the fact that I still have him all to myself. Twisting and turning inside of me.

Hopefully, when this is all over, I will remember the things I love about being pregnant, like feeling him move around inside of me; and my belly... yes, I love my pregnant belly. (not necessarily the fur it has decided to grow, which I assume will go away with the belly? Right?) I love daydreaming about what he will look like. And whenever I wonder why he is not moving around.. he gives a little kick to let me know he is still alive in there... getting ready to come out. It's like he knows what I am thinking.

Mario is getting very excited now too... I am loving it. I cannot wait to see him hold Vincenzo. It brings tears to my eyes just to think about it.

Our whole world is about to change. It could happen any day now.

Vincenzo's Room

2010-03-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

Here it is! Vincenzo's nursery. We are just about finished. I am not quite done with the shelves.. just kind of threw things onto them for now. But it is pretty much finished! I am so happy with the way it turned out... even though I never had a "theme" like everyone kept asking about.

He will love it.

(I had trouble getting a pic of the "whole" room, but you can get the idea of it :)

Thank you to Mini and Louie for the crib... as soon as we fix the shelf, which could fall off of the wall at any moment, Vincenzo will rest safely inside it. Bridgette's mom also made Vincenzo the fabulous quilt hanging on the crib. THANK YOU! Handmade things are my favorite. He also has another quilt in the crib that Grandma Flo made for him. He is so luck to have so many people that love him.

My Ikea bouncy chair.. which I put together all on my own. My Grandma Flo made the blanked for me before we even made little Vincenzo.

Mario spent a lot of time putting together the dresser and bookshelf. Gotta love Ikea. And thank you to Tracey and Kathy for his name sign! It ended up working really well in the room.

The bottom picture on the wall in the above image is something we found that Mario drew in kindergarten and the other is from a painting that my niece Gabriela made for me. I will get right on filling those other frames. The yellow "may you always be happy" sign is my favorite. If only I could get it to stick to the wall!!

Thanks for coming over to help me put this all together yesterday Mini! Everything is perfect.

We are ready now Vincenzo... come whenever you are ready!

We are home!!!

2010-03-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

Husband that loves me, makes me laugh every day and works hard to take care of our little family.... check

Job that I love and am grateful for every day... check

A beautiful house that we can finally call home... check

A baby to raise in that loving home... on his way!!!

Things are really happening. Our new house is coming together quite nicely. It already feels like home. It seemed so stressful getting here, but in the end, we ended up in the perfect place and we are very happy. very happy.

Vincenzo's room is almost done.. we just need to hang the decorations and do about a million loads of laundry! I will post pics as soon as we are finished.

I am now 37 weeks!! So close to delivery. I am hoping for Easter weekend, but I bet he makes me wait a little longer than that. I certainly don't feel like he is ready to join us just yet, but I have been informed that that means nothing.

Here is a shot of Mario and I in front of the house on move in day. I can't wait to frame it. Such a wonderful time in our lives :)

maternity picture

2010-03-13T15:01:00.000-08:00

Here are a few maternity pictures from my shoot with Bridgette. I LOVE them.

Thank you Bridgette! I love the way they turned out.

dixie cups

2010-03-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

I woke up quite early this morning, well, not early for some of you, but early for me. (Andrea reminded me not to complain just yet, as she had been up since 4am.. and was at work. I seem to lead quite the glorious life.

Anywho... I was seeing some flashing lights and could not seem to focus on my computer screen, and the Dr. suggested I come in for some tests. Once of which was peeing in a cup... a dixie cup. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before, but my very strange Dr.'s office has their patients pee into tiny dixie cups. This may not seem so bad, until you get into the bathroom where the light is so dim, you can't see your hand when you are trying to pee into this tiny opening. Of course you get pee on the cup and your hands and then they want you to bring it out to them. So I try my best to clean off the cup and add a few more underneath it, you know, for padding. Then I always start to wonder if I was actually supposed to pee into the dixie cups. I look around for some plastic version of the the urine cup and find nothing. I wonder if everyone feels strange about this?

Tests were all clear. Nothing to worry about... and they always say, "if it happens again this weekend, we want you to go straight to the hospital," which makes me quite nervous. Do I really need to go to the emergency room if I see more flashing lights, even though it meant nothing this time?

Little Vincenzo is apparently in the perfect position and his heartbeat sounds great. This makes me feel good.

We should be moving next week... and I will certainly post some nursery pictures when it is all ready! I can't wait.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Shower Pics

2010-03-10T14:05:00.001-08:00

Here are a few pics from the shower!

THANK YOU to Bridgette for taking the photos!

And to everyone who traveled from out of town to attend.

Not sure why we look soooo white in this photo... I may have washed it out a bit...

I can't wait to read all of the stars.

So many cute onesies!

Vincenzo will LOVE all of his books!

I assume this one was for Mario.. he loved it.

Lyla enjoying a deliciously sweet cookie.

Thank you to everyone for coming!

I had a fabulous time and am so grateful for all of the wonderful gifts.

loving my baby

2010-03-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

I am really just bored and don't have much to say. Last night I wanted to post something about how in love I am with my little man. I truly am.

I was talking to Mario about how we are so anxious to get into this house.. so anxious for so many things. And in just a few short weeks, we will be these sleep deprived versions of ourselves, taking care of our child. our child. In our new home, a little family . It blows my mind. But it is helpful for me to know that, because it reminds me that things will come in good time. And if the house takes a few extra days, so be it.

That being said. I hope we get the keys this Friday!! (I have been told it may be early next week, but I am still keeping my hopes up!) Please keep your hopes up with me.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful day... I can't wait for my milkshake and fries lunch with Kristine and sweet Patty. Yum.

35 weeks!!

2010-03-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

More bathroom mirror belly shots.

blogging is NOT on my list of things to do.....

2010-03-04T08:42:00.001-08:00

I have recently developed a bad habit of buying new baby things online. It is bad. But how can I resist??

Poster for my little man's room - I will need to buy a frame :)

not really sure why I bought these... love the mushroom though. Rattles and teething toys.

interesting mobile. I hope I like it when it arrives :)

Oh... there is more. and possibly more to come...

Now that we are this much closer to actually buying a house I am getting more and more excited about decorating Vincenzo's room. I can't wait to get in there and set things up!!

I am hoping to be able to post some maternity photos soon.. I will let you know when I get them.

Have a wonderful day!

P

Oye vey....

2010-03-01T14:05:00.000-08:00

So.. as I pop tiny chocolate egg after tiny chocolate egg into mouth... knowing that it will make me fill ill very soon, I am online researching diapers. Oye vey.

I had made a decision to use seventh generation diapers and decided I wanted to know why chlorine free diapers were the better choice. Not an easy find.

Most of what I find is environmental, and don't get me wrong, I do care about the environment, but that is not my reason for using them. What I am worried about is my little one and what I am putting on him day in and day out. The diapers will sit in a landfill for years to come no matter which disposable I choose.

The chlorine problem stems from the Dioxin, which is a byproduct of the paper-bleaching process used in manufacturing disposable diapers. It has also been shown to cause cancer, birth defects, liver damage, and skin diseases. Chlorine-free disposable diapers, therefore, do not pose the same risk. I can't find evidence that this is a problem when touching babies skin or just during the manufacturing process??

I did come across the SAP "gel" issue. Apparently diapers use a gel, three layers into the diaper, to absorb the moisture. This gel is made of sodium polyacrylate which has been known to cause toxic shock syndrome and has been removed from tampons, but not diapers.

Also, TBT, or tributyl tin, is an environmental pollutant, believed to be one of the most toxic substances ever made, has a hormone-like effect; even small amounts can impair immune and hormonal systems. So I guess we don't want that....

Where does this leave me? Well.. I have found that seventh generation diapers use the SAP gel, and that they are not brown because they are "not bleached", but because they are died brown! Their website actually states that they die them brown to distinguish them from other diapers on the market. So what is the point of spending the extra money on them?

There are a couple diapers that are free of everything that could be unsafe, but there is no way I can afford them. Especially because they are so much more expensive and they all say you have to change them more often because they are not as absorbent.

I have decided to buy traditional diapers. Enough is enough. I can't afford the alternative and cloth diapers are not an option.

Vincenzo will thank me when I can afford to feed and shelter him.

Just a side note... I in no way intended to "inform" anyone about these issues... it is simply helpful for me to "write" things out in order to make these ridiculous decisions. It's just how I roll.

don't tell my husband.....

2010-02-19T09:33:00.000-08:00

But I just bought these absolutely delicious baby legs for my little guy. I keep seeing them around, but they seem so girly and I thought Mario would kill me if I tried to dress our sweet boy in tights. We will see if he even wears them... it will be close to 100 degrees pretty quickly after he is born. We'll just have to keep the house really cold. I couldn't find a good picture of a boy wearing them, but we will get one when he arrives!

now... what else can I do to avoid cleaning my house....

2010-02-19T04:19:00.000-08:00

Somehow, as I lay wide awake in bed this morning at 4:30, I convinced myself that I had gotten at least 8 hours of sleep, so I may as well get up. Turns out my early morning math is exactly accurate. Seeing as I feel asleep at maybe 10:00 pm ... I got about 6 hours. Not enough.

None the less, I am awake, watching the traffic reports... every five minutes. Be careful on that 101, and if you leave before 6:30 am, you will shave a whole 5 minutes off of your drive.

My little man is certainly getting bigger in there. Moving around in some not so comfortable ways. Always a lovely feeling though.

I have decided that it is not such a good idea for me to watch TV dramas about sick and dyeing babies. First of all, there is no way the woman from Private Practice last night was just 25 weeks. She had a huge belly and suddenly gives birth to a 2 pound baby... come on. TV and movies are turning out to be less and less like real life than I had hoped. Although... I guess that also means my babies birth is less likely to be like that of a patient on an episode on Grey's Anatomy, which is encouraging.

I officially do not have gestational diabetes, although I was told that I do need to watch my sugar intake. I guess that means no more baked goods... no more daily ice cream cones. I will miss them. The problem is that telling me to cut back actually makes me think about it more. I need a number. Give me some sort of a limit per day and I think I would have a much easier time. It's like being on a diet... I tend to gain weight, not lose it. There is something greater in the mix now though, so maybe I will find it easier.

Well, now I am just writing out of boredom.... maybe I will go back to sleep.

Have a fabulous weekend!

pissed...

2010-02-15T10:33:00.001-08:00

I am so pissed. beyond pissed. I had a Dr. appointment today and the first thing the nurse asks me is, "did you get your 3 hour glucose screening done?" To which I of course say no, seeing as I was told that someone would call me if the levels from the first test were high - and no one called me. I was told that "no news was good news". Apparently no news means no one took the time to call me!!

So now, I have gone a month without knowing that my glucose levels were high enough for them to want me to get the additional 3 hour test done - all while eating whatever I feel like and not really concentrating on a healthy diet at all.

Basically, I could have it and have not properly cared for myself and my baby for over a month. I am so pissed.

Tomorrow, bright and early, I will go get the 3 hour test done and hope to god that they results come back saying I do not have gestational diabetes.

I know that the list of things that could go wrong include some extremes, but even if I do not end up having it, why the F&%$ couldn't someone get it together enough to call me. Maybe I am crazy, but I think that is kind of a big deal.

Pissed.

chocolate

2010-02-10T08:14:00.000-08:00

It is 9am and I am already thinking about chocolate. Longing for it. I made these cupcakes that I know will give me pretty severe indigestion for the remainder of the day, but I can't help myself.

I am having one.

We'll worry about the consequences later.

oh how it aches...

2010-02-03T09:50:00.001-08:00

I think little Vinny has found a comfortable sleeping spot deep in the back curve of my rib cage.

At first, I though it was my pillow situation.. I tried to change things and nothing worked. Yesterday, I purchased a fluffy mattress pad to make my mattress a bit more comfy... and I get the same pain this morning. (not to mention, Mario was so comfortable on this new wonder pad that he snored more than EVER!)

He must be hanging out in my rib cage while I am sleeping. That's not to say there is not some appendage playing footsie with my bladder all night as well.

I guess I just have to accept that it is now part of my life.. and it will soon pass when he decides to come out and join us. I can handle that.

Did I mention that my face is getting fatter? Seriously. I looked in the mirror yesterday, only to find that my face was looking rounder. Shit. I am getting fat. Better make some brownies, quick!

I am 31 weeks now. Can you believe it!! I certainly can't. I think about the birth now, and it makes me a little emotional. I am a little scared, but I know that Mario will be there to support and laugh with me. He always makes me laugh. And often, when I am imagining what it will be like, I see us laughing with each other, even though the pain and nastiness of it all. I can't wait to see what he will be like as a father.

growing belly

2010-01-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

my belly seems much larger today. my little man is getting bigger. he has also been kicking around in some not so comfortable ways.

let's just say, that magical phase of laying on the couch just waiting for that one little flutter is long gone.

we are in the big leagues now. the "I need to sleep with over 40 pillows to stay comfortable at night" phase has now set in. this is no fun, seeing as I have to flip sides like 100 times before I actually fall asleep, taking my entire entourage of pillows with me each time.

and the indigestion. oh the indigestion. it is certainly not my friend. but the clerk at the circle k could tell exactly why I came into his store in a panic to find some tums, and that made me happy.

I can't believe we are getting this close! I am in my 30th week now. 30 weeks!!! I can remember being bummed out because my first pregnancy test came back negative. and now look where I am. it really is amazing.

now, if we could only get into this house fast enough for me to make a home for him.....

please keep Mario's father in your thoughts tomorrow as he will be going in for heart surgery early in the morning.

making out with Tina Fey

2010-01-20T07:45:00.000-08:00

so in the wee hours of the morning... in a very peculiar dream, where I was attempting to get out of a ticket, in order to avoid jail time, I ran into Tina Fey, working as a court clerk. She took a liking to me, was planning to drop my case, and after a long period talking to me, so close to my face, I could feel her nose bumping mine, and me wondering if she might be on crack, she tried to make out with me.

ahhhh... pregnancy dreams.

the great mattress dilemma...

2010-01-19T13:44:00.000-08:00

My mother has decided that I am crazy.... and maybe I am, but only a little.

So at first, I knew I wanted an organic mattress... turns out organic is not always much better than your typical mattress, (in this great mattress debate anyway...) And I soon came up with this theory that getting a used mattress was safer than a new mattress because the toxic gasses (which have been shown to cause SIDS) have already released. (I should add here that I cannot remember where I got this information, but passed it around as if it had been researched meticulously.)

Turns out... a used mattress is much more likely to cause my sweet child harm than a new one! Somehow the gasses have already released, so the fungus is quicker to release them with a new occupant. Awesome.

So then I was stuck, again, on buying a new, organic, mattress. They really real you in out there... some sites even told my my baby would be more likely to DIE if I did not think of his well being and make the right decision in purchasing the right organic mattress. Seriously.. it is scary out there for someone as gullible as I am.

Is my baby even going to sleep in his crib?

Anywho... through all of this research, trying to find credible sources, I came across Babesafe mattress wrapping. It totally makes sense and has research and years of success to back it up. Basically, you buy this $30 plastic cover made from certain materials and wrap the mattress in it. Then, you just put a special blanket or 100% cotton towel over the top of it, top it off with a 100% cotton crib sheet, and wala! Your baby will live for years to come.

They have been studying it in New Zealand for over 10 years and since the beginning of the campaign, not 1 baby has died from SIDS when using a properly wrapped mattress. (I want to say the number is up around 200,000 babies.)

I am buying one for his crib mattress and his co-sleeper. I feel better now that this great mattress debate is over.

If you are interested... you can check it out at: http://www.babesafe.com

Just to add... I am sure we all grew up on these terribly unsafe mattresses and we all seem to be doing just fine.

sleep

2010-01-09T08:51:00.000-08:00

I actually had this thought the other night while getting up for the umpteenth time to pee...

"When I have this baby I will finally get to sleep through the night without having to get up to pee every second!"

Hilarious.

another way to avoid actual work...

2010-01-05T11:29:00.002-08:00

I have spent the last hour researching diaper ointment and baby lotion on skindeep.com. Sometimes I wish I was oblivious to all of the information that was out there. Everything readily available and affordable seems to cause things like:

neurotoxicity

Cancer Developmental/reproductive toxicity Developmental/reproductive toxicity
Other concerns for ingredients used in this product: Neurotoxicity, Endocrine, disruption, Persistence and bioaccumulation, Organ system toxicity (non-reproductive),Miscellaneous, Irritation (skin, eyes, or lungs), Contamination concerns, Occupational hazards, Biochemical or cellular level changes Awesome. Things are rated from 1-10. 10 must just guaruntee that my poor child will someday die from cancer. Don't even get me started on diapers. That is a whole other day of avoiding work. We all grew up on this stuff, right? And we are all still living. Maybe we all have cancer, who knows. I read something somewhere about the fact that everyone we know will someday die from a cancer related illness. scary. grrrrrrrrr. going back to oblivion. or maybe work. we'll see. p p.s. I am not sure whats up with the formatting of this post.... can't seem to fix it.

another way to avoid actual work...

2010-01-05T11:29:00.001-08:00

belly shots

2010-01-04T10:59:00.000-08:00

So I am officially not very good at the whole "self belly portrait" stuff. Maybe I need to invest in a tri-pod... or teach Mario to shoot my belly :) This shot was taken in my bathroom mirror... and although I did not "change" anything in photoshop, I did have to remove a crumb on my chest from my lunch... I never looked at my appendectomy scar like this either... maybe I should have taken it from the other side.....

people are starting to notice!

2010-01-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

People are starting to notice that I am pregnant... I love it. It is hard to imagine that in just 3 short months, we will have a baby boy!!! (tears...)

wow.

cravings...

2010-01-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

Most pregnant women probably have their very own cravings. I, on the other hand, seem to just copy Tracey's cravings. Tracey loved soda while she was pregnant, I too love soda. Even though I wouldn't come near it before I became pregnant. Tracey loved to bake. I can't stop baking. Again, even though I would never even consider it before I was pregnant.

All she has to do is tell me about something she wanted while pregnant and suddenly, I need it.

By the way.... my "no more baking sweets after the new year" rule has already been broken. I made some yummy carrot cake muffins. Delish.

My little Vincenzo (Vin-chen-zo) has been kicking up a storm lately... I wonder what he is up to in there.

Happy New Year! I am sure this will be one of many wonderful surprises.

oh my goodness...

2009-12-30T08:39:00.000-08:00

my husband is insisting we do a cardinals themed room for my sweet baby boy.

oh my goodness.

Right now, as I type, he is listing off all of the players he will have posters of, and why they deserve to be put up in his baby's room.

oh my goodness.

I told him that he could put one little football thing in his room... one. I am not sure yet if he is just trying to piss me off or if he is serious.

but I am terrified.

it'a a no go...

2009-12-28T16:09:00.000-08:00

Gluten intollerant pregnant woman cannot, I repeat, cannot magically digest gluten simply because they are pregnant. No matter how tastey those meatballs are... the gluten will still make you sick. Don't even risk it.

For some strange reason... people have been asking me ever since I got pregnant, if I could now eat gluten. And although some of them.. we won't name names, don't actually beleive that I cannot eat gluten, pregnant or not, it turns out I still can't.

My baby belly is getting bigger every day. And I am loving it.

There are times when I am walking around the mall and I feel like my uterus is going to squeeze my bladder dry at any second, so I waddle to the bathroom, as if I am actually 9 months pregnant, becuase if I walk too fast or too bouncy, I will pee my pants.... or when I just can't find anything cute to wear.. but I am sure those moments will only get worse, so I will try to to complain about them now... at least not too much.

When I was a kid, I used to wake up and think, "today is the day I get to eat sweet cereal"... (We were only allowed sweetened cereal every other day). I was so excited to jump out of bed to eat my sweet cereal.. nevermind the fact thay my mom still made me mix it with un-sweetened cereal... It seriously got me out of bed... my poor child, let's hope he does not have a sweet tooth like mine. Anyway, back to the point of the story.... Now, when I wake up in the morning, I remember that I am pregnant and my belly is that much bigger. It does not nessicarily

"get me out of bed", but it does make me smile, every day. And it never goes away! Well... at least when it does go away (let's hope :) I will have a child!! And every day will be so much more exciting. And I am sure my little one won't have any trouble "getting me out of bed".

Being pregnant over the holidays was awesome... I ate lots of goodies and now it is time for a sweet tooth detox... ha ha, as if that is possible :) Maybe no more baking for a bit. (I know.... you're thinking, Pam does not bake... but when you really want some peanut butter cookies,

they are not so hard to put together.) I haven't wanted alcohol too much since I started trying to get pregnant... but every now and then a beer or a glass of wine smells and sounds really good. I will surely enjoy one after Vincenzo joins us. or two.

Thanks to everyone for the registry advice... you all sent so much!! As soon as we have a house to start putting everything in, I can start collecting some baby stuff. I took Mario to Ikea today to look at nursery furniture... let's just say Ikea is not really his thing. I think there was one

point that he told me he though he might die if I made him stay there any longer. I'll have to take a different buddy next time. He also has completely different tastes than me... and refuses to let me buy anything yet. My next buddy will need to be very open to allowing me to spend money... on whatever I like :)

I have some ideas for how I would like the nursery to look and thought I might share some with you... maybe spice things up a bit with some pictures. I am also thinking of trying to do a self-portrait belly picture.. so stay tuned for that.

the crib - hopefully with some colorful sheets.

I like these shelves... and the color, although I am hoping for white walls.

picture for his room...

That's all for now...

Happy New Year to everyone!

9 pounds...

2009-12-21T14:52:00.000-08:00

I went to the Dr. this afternoon and was told that I had gained..... 9 POUNDS!!! Holy crap. I freaked out for a bit. Then I realized I was supposed to gain like a pound a week.. so really, I am only 4 pounds over. But good lord... I need to cut back on the sugar.

I write this as I eat one of my delicious sugar cookies....

I have also made an important decision... (those who know me know how long that might last....) I want an epidural. I know, I know... I have been saying for years that I planned to go all natural, but I looked into it... talked to a bunch of people who did it and people who chose to get the epidural, read some "natural childbirth" books and all in all... decided that natural birth is not for me. I though that I had concrete reasons not to get the epidural, but those reasons seem to have disappeared. I am very happy with my decision.

I have also been seeing another nurse midwife at the OB office and I really like her... I hope she is there when I give birth :)

That's all for now... happy christmas to everyone!

registering...

2009-12-13T12:28:00.000-08:00

It may be a bit early, but seeing as we are saving to buy a house soon, shopping is not an option. Registering is the next best thing!

Anywho... I was hoping that my millions of readers, (or is it 9?) would leave me some comments and let me know what you used and didn't use - based on what you got before your little one arrived. What are some of your "must have's"? What can you not live without and what have you never touched?

Thanks ladies!!

breakdown in aisle 3...

2009-12-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

so I was at Sprouts yesterday afternoon... looking to buy some sort of oil to rub on this growing belly of mine, (I think it is important to note that I don't actually think it will keep away the ever dreadful stretch marks, but my loving husband seems all too concerned). While waiting to ask the saleswoman a question about where this "stuff"might be, I noticed she was helping everyone and their mother before me.

Now, normally, I might be super pissed on the inside, but nice on the outside... trying to act like I am actually patient. Maybe doing some huffing and puffing and tapping of my foot. This time though, when she helped the last person before me, I started to storm away, saying something incredibly rude, loud enough for the saleswoman, the customer and her young daughter to hear.

I immediately felt terrible and overheard the saleswoman say, "I am the only one here, and there are a lot of people with questions." So, I turn around and try to apologize for being so incredibly rude - although I am pretty sure I made myself look even more like a nut job - and I stormed back in between the three of them.

So now I am trying to get out of the store before she tries to help me and she finds me before I get out. And what does this woman do??? She gives me a big giant hug. Seriously, who does that? I was just so rude to this woman and she hugs me? Well.... all this kindness gets me started crying, which I then cannot stop doing. Crying so much, that I realize the humor in all of it and start mixing in some laughing with my crying. Now I must really look like a crazy woman.

I finally get out that I am pregnant and all is suddenly understood. Through the tears, she shows me some oils that she thinks I should use. I hold back the tears to get through the checkout and rush to my car where I cry all the way home.

Oh.. it's not over yet. I get home and of course Mario's brother is over. I am trying to tell them the story, but can't get anything out but this weird mixture of hysterical laughter and crying.

I was one hot mess.

I love being pregnant.

things baby vincenzo will love...

2009-12-07T12:03:00.000-08:00

hershey's hugs

garlic

spinach

carrots

turkey sandwiches

pretty much anything chocolate...

hot chocolate

chocolate bars

chocolate ice cream

chocolate fudge.....

peanut butter cookies - lots of them...

french fries

cranberry sauce... I think I ate enough of this over thanksgiving

egg nog.. mmmmmm

maybe some berries... if I can stay on this smoothie kick

So I guess little Vincenzo can taste all the delicious food I am eating now. I am trying desperately to eat fruits and veggies but I can't seem to stop eating chocolate. I used to pass by the candy aisle in the store and not even think about buying any... now, I browse through like it is my own personal heaven and come home with bags of holiday candy. delish.

I have also stumbled upon a fabulous flourless peanut butter cookie recipe. I have made 3 batches and plan to make many many more. (Seeing as I am not a baker... it is super simple, 1 cup peanut butter, 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder and 1 egg. I just mix them all together and roll it out. Make small cookies and bake for 10 minutes. Just like magic... dinner is ready!)

My belly is starting to feel pretty big... I grunt when I have to get up or do anything that requires movement. Sometimes I embarrass myself getting out of the car. I make this weird grunting sound getting up and then realize that the person in the car next to me heard it thinks I am a nut job. I always laugh a little afterward, which I am sure doesn't help the situation. I can't even imagine what I am going to be like when I am actually huge... people can still hardly believe I am pregnant.

I wonder if they are just being nice...

I am almost 6 months people!!! Come on, I'm sticking it out for you!

I think he will like Christmas music too... I have been listening non-stop since just before Thanksgiving.

off to eat something... have a fabulous week!

23 weeks

It's a Boy!

2009-11-24T16:12:00.000-08:00

Okay.... so I was wrong, all this time. What can you do. I am having a sweet, gorgeous little boy and I couldn't be happier. It is so amazing, just to know.

Mario always said that he didn't care what the baby was, as long as it was healthy. But, judging from the smile on his face when he heard it was a boy, I think he secretly hoped it would be. Such a proud Papa.

As for me... She pointed to the little "thing" sticking out between his legs and said, "do you see this little thing right here?" I knew, of course, right away that it meant I wasn't having a girl... and for a minute, thought about saying, "no, I don't see anything there." But it was there, and yes, for a moment, I was disappointed that it was not a girl, but I was never disappointed that it is a boy. I am surprised and excited and full of emotion. I was already in love.

All of the measurements, etc., are perfect and he is as healthy as can be. 13 ounces - a can of soda... kicking around inside me. just like magic.

I am thinking that maybe I wasn't always meant to have a girl, but I was always meant to be a mom. And it feels pretty damn good.

today is the day

2009-11-24T07:58:00.000-08:00

Well, today is the day.

Boy or girl, I will love my child with every ounce of my being. Now that we are so close to the ultrasound, I find myself hoping only for a healthy outcome. I put so much emphasis on finding out the sex, I phased out the fact that this ultrasound is to determine the health and progress of my little one. I'm not going to say, "what if...", because (just like I feel that I know it's a girl) I know our baby is perfection.

I can't wait to see my little one's big brown eyes looking up at me. Soon enough!! I am at the halfway point :)

what will it be??

2009-11-20T07:42:00.000-08:00

The time is almost here... I keep telling everyone that it is a girl and certainly hope that I am right!! I have all of these nursery designs picked out and most of them lean towards girl, but I can just change a few picture choices and I am sure it will all be fine.

Anywho... I am not going to need to do that, seeing as it is a girl. I can't believe we find out in just 5 short days. It seems as though I have waited forever. I felt a cold coming on yesterday and all I could think about was, "what if this is the swine flu and I have to postpone my ultrasound appointment!!!"" It was really my biggest concern.

I also worry that my darling little one will not show us her stuff... or lack there of, during the ultrasound. I will be devastated. I seriously cannot wait any longer.

You'll be happy to know that I am not feeling sick anymore!! I have an appetite and LOVE to eat. I don't think I am eating enough, but it is slowly coming back to me. The only problem I have is the yucky taste left in my mouth by anything sweet. Of course, I can't just stop eating sweets... that's preposterous! My baby needs a little sweetness...

I may be posting a pic of my belly soon. It is finally big enough to share. I keep trying to get Mario to take a picture, but we have yet to accomplish that. I will most certainly post ultrasound pictures next week.

And lastly, please keep us in your thoughts.. we are hoping to be moved into a new home, all of our own, with space, glorious space, for our new little one before she arrives. We will begin looking in late December... wish us luck!

Peace out.

there is a little person inside of me...

2009-11-03T08:28:00.001-08:00

Last night, I felt the baby move for the first time. It was like a little person was inside kicking me. And as Katy pointed out... it is! I had always thought it would feel strange and alien.

But it was magical.

And I find myself just waiting for more.

girl

2009-11-02T11:07:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that I gave birth, painless birth, to a baby girl!! It was a little odd, seeing as it was painless and she was about the size of a 1 month old... but that is besides the point.

It was a girl!!

And it was not like I just "felt" like or "knew" she was a girl - she was all out girl. I can still see the image in my head, clear as day. They pulled her out and I saw it with my own eyes.

Now, who knows how much of that is actual intuition and how much is clouded by my almost obsessive need for a girl.. I am assuming it is intuition, it must be!

Still waiting to feel that movement in there. I must get back to my mashed potato and cucumber lunch. Yum.

2009-10-29T12:56:00.000-07:00

pregnancy weight gain is a funny thing. I know that I should have at least gained some weight by now... but when the nurse weighs me and I have gained a whopping 3 pounds (mind you this is my first actual weight gain)... I am not sure how to feel. In fact, I start to go over all the crap I have been feeding my baby over the past few weeks...

smarties...

lollipops...

snickers...

taco bell...

french fries...

double whopper.. (just once and it did not end well...)

pancakes... (halfway healthy, until you add like 1/4 cup of powdered sugar.. yum)

potato skins...

but my appetite is back and that is just what I want! How can I help it if the candy aisle just calls to me, when it used to go completely unnoticed?

I have been a bad bad mommy lately. I don't think I had ingested one vegetable in weeks. I always said I wouldn't be "one of those people" who at a bunch of crap, just because my pregnancy gave me some magical free pass. I am finding that most of the people I swore I would never be are, in fact, exactly who I am.

Case in point: Exercise

Pre pregnancy: "I am going to do yoga and walk every day when I am pregnant."

Currently: tried the yoga video a couple times, hate it. Walked twice, maybe, with Mario since I have been feeling better. Twice! I better get on it...

I have had 3 people tell me they are "really feeling girl" when they asked me what I was having. (Before I mentioned I wanted a girl...) And no one has said they feel like it is a boy. We'll know in 26 short days. I keep imagining sending out that text... "It's a ..." Can you imagine if it is actually a girl????

I best be off.. need to brush my teeth, the calcium rich chocolate ice cream I just ate left a terrible taste in my mouth.

Have a fabulous day!

girl

2009-10-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

For the las few months, I have been referring to my sweet child as "it", "she" and the occasional "he", just to even things out. I almost feel a pressure not to say what I think it is, or what I want her to be, because I worry that if I am wrong, he will feel terribly sad if he ever finds out. Not to mention the endless "I told you sos" I would hear.

Enough of all that. Wrong or not, I have always felt that I was truly meant to have a girl. I have never really doubted it. And knowing that the sex is already chosen and there is nothing I can say to change it... I still feel like I am going to have a girl. So I'm officially saying that I think I am having a girl.

Even just after typing that, I feel like I should mention something about how if I have a boy, I will be just as happy, which is completely true, of course I will be...

Why all this guilt? Why can't I want a girl? My husband always says the 'ol "I just want a healthy baby," which I get and of course agree with, but for some reason I feel guilty for not just saying that.

If I am having a boy, and he asks me if I was disappointed that he was a boy, seeing as I was so sure he was, in fact, a girl, I will tell him that thinking he was going to be a girl was the first of many things I would get wrong as a parent. Things that would end up being tiny little miracles.

We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time last week. It was quite anticlimactic. I had already cried, just imagining the moment, so many times that by the time it actually happened, all I could do was laugh, which muffled the sound of the heartbeat anyway. I won't say that it wasn't awesome to hear, but it was less dramatic, because I wasn't doubting that it was going to be there. (Even though it did take her a few minutes to find it and for just a second, I did wonder.) I had imagined holding my husbands had and looking at him and smiling as we listened, much like a scene from movie. I don't even think I looked at him once. The movies sure do make life look so much more dramatic.

Or maybe my life is less like a movie than I thought.

why is it that...

2009-10-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

Why is it that before I was pregnant, I would never even imagine eating taco bell, and now I can't wait to get my hands on a beef taco. Really? A beef taco? I don't even eat red meat, let alone fast food beef. Poor cows.

Why is it that I go to sleep hoping to dream about what my baby will be like and I end up giving birth to a little black cat that claws the shit out of me and refuses to let me swaddle her?

Why is it?

still hanging on

2009-09-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

Hularious. Absolutely hularious. I just re-read my last blog posting.

Preggie Pops work? What a crock. They work if I am not actually sick, but so anxious for these pregnancy symptoms to rear their ugly head, that I simply imagine I am sick.

For real morning sickness, for me at least, nothing works. And I will lie on the couch for weeks on end, getting up only to vomit, pee, and go to bed. Thankfully my loving husband will care for me - clean up my mess - make me endless amounts of peanut butter toast and bring me thousands of water glasses that I can barely get down. He will hang out with me on the weekends - not because I am such a hoot - but because he knows I have been watching bad tv all week - ALONE - and I could use the company. He will even tell me several times that I am "so beautiful" even though I have yet to shower, have not plucked my eyebrows in over a month, have a terribly frightening mustache, and my hair looks like a true rats nest. Oh I do love him.

Eventually I will have to get a prescription for Zofran -which it turns out - actually works. At least enough to take the edge off. Now if there were only a magic pill that gave me some type of appetite! I swear I will never eat gluten free bread again when this is over - I am living on it.

Enough. On to the more exciting moments in pregnancy.

Wednesday was my 29th birthday. And as a very special gift, my little one decided to pop out, just enough for me to see. Just enough for me to feel like there is actually a child growing inside of me. I feel much more connected to her (or him) now - its on a completely different level. My family and friends also came over to celebrate with me. They brought ice cream sundays - it was lovely and I was so grateful that they took the time to come see up - raising my spirits.

And even though I have lost something like 12 lbs. over these past few weeks, (yes, my skinny jeans that used to be too tight are now lose - and fit perfectly), my belly still sticks out and I can't wait for it to get bigger!! (I know Tracey - I am crazy, you can remind me of this when I am close to delivery and complaining about a whole slew of new things.)

I've been to a new Dr's Office and seen the nurse midwife there - she was very sweet and informative. After watching tv and movies all my life - I was under the impression that I would have a sonogram at my first Dr's appointment, and I was quite disappointed to find out that I have to wait until November!! What the crap? Oh well, I guess it will be that much more exciting. We will be able to find out the sex. I am feeling girl - and my sister in law informs me that my chinese chart says I am having a girl. You can't go wrong with that!

Hopefully this nasty sickness passes sooner than later - in a couple weeks we will get to hear the tiny heartbeat. I can't wait!

little life lessons...

2009-08-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

Lesson #1 - Eating french fries and a handful of m&m's for dinner will make me feel like S#$&. (I like to blame this on Mario though... he wants to go to happy hour and instead of drinking, I eat french fries. Then, by the time we get home, I am too full to eat a proper dinner and the m&m's are SO convenient, thanks to the crazies that sent me home with a 900 lb. bag of them.)

Lesson #2 - Preggie Pops actually work!! After my super unhealthy dinner, I felt like total crap - had rising indigestion - and was completely nauseous. (Now, this could all be from just eating crap - but we'll call it the pregnancy, it's better that way, because Mario will get me things when I ask. ;) Anywho - all that aside - Mario kindly got me a preggie pop and it worked wonders. I was seriously concerned about what would happen to me once it was gone.

Lesson #3 - Eating is SO important. If I go more than 2 hours without eating, I become extremely hungry and start feeling nauseous. And this little bag of unsalted nuts that I brought with me today is not cuttign it - they actually make me want to vomit. They are so dry. I need a smoothie or something cold. Dry and flavorless sucks. Maybe this banana will do. (Is it weird that when I type the word banana, I have to sing the gewn stefani song to make sure I am spelling it correctly?)

Not really a Lesson #4 - I am glad that I was paying such "close attention" when I became pregnant. So what if it seems crazy or too early to be talking about it - I am pregnant and I am damn excited about it. It gives me that much more time to daydream about what it will be like to meet out sweet little person, to imagine what she (or he) will look like and what it will be like to see Mario holding her (or him).

My goal for this next week is to try an be more focussed on the now -today - this moment, rather than when I get to do this, and that, and what might happen later.

Wish me luck.

P

not to complain or anything....

2009-08-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

but today is the first day that I actually don't feel good. My tummy hurts, I am super sleepy, and even considered closing my eyes, just for a second, while I was walking down the hall of the hospital. I wouldn't go as far as to say I am feeling nauseous, but all I can think about is getting home and taking a nap. "But what about all those dishes?" you say... WHAT ABOUT THEM? I hope that Chica has them done before I get home. (Chica is our lovely dog.)

I have been thinking - and although it is my nature... I do not want this blog to be all about my various pregnancy complaints. Sometimes, I can't help it. My mouth opens and complaints come out without even running them by me first. Its a problem. So for those few who actually do read this, I promise to always write something positive and hopeful.

You will all be pleased to know that yesterday and even today - I have not thought or worried about having a miscarriage! (Okay, maybe for a few brief moments in the middle of the night when a stomach ache woke me up, but that totally does not count.)

I stopped by a friends house today and she had a gift for me, preggie pops. I have them on hand, you know, just in cases. (Thanks Libby!) But why, may I ask, does something that is supposed to be "natural and made from essencial oils", list corn syrup as the first ingredient?? Seriously, you can't get away from the stuff.

Thats all for now, I best be getting back to work...

P

P.S. For those of you who have subsribed, you are now getting my postings in an email... This is actually a blog posting, in case you were confused.

Love.

status: currently LOVING being pregnant....

2009-08-11T18:45:00.000-07:00

I met with a Dr. today - to see if I liked her. I don't think she liked me. She didn't laugh at any of my little jokes and could have cared less about my background stories to my questions. Those of you who know me well, know that I am a very sarcastic gal and I like people to laugh, or at least smile, at my jokes, funny or not. :) This Dr. seemed annoyed with what I had to ask and say.

FIRED. totally fired.

I am canceling my 9/3 appointment at the hokey "Harmony and Wellness Center" (which is NOTHING like Private Practice, which I had imagined it to be), and have booked another appointment with a friend's Dr.'s Office - with a Nurse/Midwife on September 1st. Yay.

Next topic: the heartbeat. When do I get to hear it?? I had imagined I would hear it at my first appointment at 8 weeks - but sadly, as I learned today, I HAVE TO WAIT! What the crap. I hope that I can make an extra appointment to hear it during my 12th week - I can't wait that long!

Oh my sweet little person. My body is making a person. Sometimes, I can't even fathom it. Sometimes it makes me want to cry. Sometimes it makes me crazy, sore, and a little sleepy. But mostly, it makes me purely happy and full of joyful anticipation.

Peace Out.

P

fear takes over

2009-08-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

All day, I am busy being pregnant. Dreaming of all kinds of magical things. For instance, today, while showering, I was thinking about how I should use natural deodorant - and imagined that one day, my daughter would be like, "thank you mom, you were so amazing, and now I don't have cancer". I seriously had that thought. Weird, I know. Is it even possible for my deodorant to give my child cancer?

I push my stomach out in the mirror to see how I will look when I start to show. I even caress it and nonchalantly pretend like it is totally normal. Just to see how is feels. Do other people do this?

The second I get into bed, the fear sets in. I jab myself in the boob. shit, not as sore as last night.. Immediately, I am on my blackberry, googling "if my breast tenderness goes away, is it a bad sign"? Oh google, you are such a tease. And it is almost as if I am looking for bad news. Really? This is beginnign to get out of hand. I should really stop sleeping with my blackberry.

I think I need to be banned from googling anything pregnancy related unless it feels really serious. Maybe I need a pregnancy trainer that I can text anytime - I can ask questions, like, "if I sneeze, will it put too much pressure on my abdomen and cause problems with my pregnancy?" And she can reply, "NO! Go to bed, everything is fine." She can be my pregnancy sanity.

I just squeezed my boob again to see if it was sore.

I have probably done it five times since I have been writing.

I did read one thing that reisnated with me... It was something like, "Enjoy this break in breast tenderness, because it will come back. Not everything is a warning sign. Just try to do everything you can to have a healthy pregnancy; eat right, get lots of rest, drink lots of water and take your prenatals, the rest is going to happen no matter what you do.

Well, I'm off to bed. Thanks for listening.

P.S. Our first Dr. appt is on September 3rd. Yay!

P.S.s. Girl Name: Isabella Sophia
Boy Name: Vincenzo James (Inspired by Vincenzio Bambino and Mini B.! Thanks : )

the baby book...

2009-08-04T17:32:00.001-07:00

So I was standing around at Barnes and Noble with a stack of books, ranging from the "How To Book - For A New Dad" to the "Complete Organic Pregnancy", (all of which I should not be buying).

I was struggling to decide between the Mayo Clinic - here is everything that can go wrong during your pregnancy book - (yes, I did look up cramping and ectopic pregnancies) and the Baby Journal I have had my eyes on for YEARS!

at this point, I think I made the right choice...

It makes me smile.

I do not have an ectopic pregnancy. I do not have an ectopic pregnancy. I do not....

2009-08-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

I realize this is my first post since the big announcement and I am filled with all sorts of excitement, nerves, questions, and FEARS!!

The fear that I have an ectopic pregnancy. I have cramping, light cramping at that. My new mantra is... "I do not have an ectopic pregnancy."

google is seriously freaking me out. (especially at 3am this morning)

It is so weird to actually BE pregnant. Weird and wonderful. I have been taking a few days to let it all sink in and it is so amazing to know that my body is currently making a human. A person is growing inside me. Blows my mind.

All of this fascinating stuff is happening and I can already feel it. And everything I feel, for some reason, makes me think something is wrong. Is it possible that I am just PREGNANT? I would hope that if a human was being made inside my body - I would feel something, right?

I think I am too in tune with my body. I feel too much going on. I bet if I had no symptoms, I would be terrified for a whole slew of other reasons.

Either way, I am taking hold of my sister-in law's advice and just "going with it".

P

no words.

2009-08-02T10:36:00.001-07:00

if this was last month...

2009-07-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

If this was last month, I would have already taken 2 pregnancy tests and sworn to everyone I know, that I was surely pregnant. "they" say I could take one today, but I am holding out until I actually miss my period. Which would be Friday.

Now that I am writing this, I am considering going to get one. What is wrong with me!!!

Nope - not today at least. All the same symptoms as last month - so my hopes are not very high - but staying positive.

Happy Monday!

p

I am so ordering one of these... but of which letter?

2009-07-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.paulthurlby.com/

2 things that suck...

2009-07-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

1. PMS
2. Having PMS probably means I am not pregnant, again.

Poo.

**update**
I just spent (wasted) some time on the trusty net - apparently tons of women experienced pms (aka bitchiness) prior to a positive pregnancy test.

Am feeling a little bit better.

2 things that rock...

1. I am having a good hair day.
...come on, I know there is another one...

funny things...

2009-07-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

a few things about tonight:

1. while lying on the bed watching Sponge Bob with Andrew and Patty - Patty points to the tiny piece of thong showing above my pants and says, "is that your hair tie pammy?" Hilarious.

2. when you ask a 2 year old to "please stop wiping your hands in your hair," it becomes the most hilarious thing to do, in the world. Blue icing is never a good idea. And after we laugh hysterically together, (just for fun), he stops short, takes a bite of his cake and says, "mmm cream". Maybe you had to be there, but it was beautiful.

3. all night long, patty follows me around telling me some dramatic story about something I cannot understand, but I listen intently and ask questions, because when I do, he smiles up and me and I just want to squeeze him.

4. sometimes, when I read to the boys, I feel like I am the most amazing storyteller in all the land. I use voices, get loud and sometimes scary. They must love reading books with me, I am that good. It is probably a lot like singing in the car, if someone else is around, it is just some boring old story.

5. when the boys asked for "just a little bite" of cake before they headed off to bed, I said yes. And I made them each one more delicious bite of cake. It was fabulous. Just one of the perks of being the babysitter I guess.

Still working at the baby making. I am trying not to be as crazy about it this go around. I have put on a few pre-pregnancy pounds, which I have been assured of by many close friends, is completely normal. I have only considered taking a pregnancy test, just to see (if my period was one of those fluke periods some women get when they are, in fact, pregnant), a few times. I have yet to buy one.

Happy weekend everybody. (I am talking to you my 4! followers)

P

p.s. I think I'm ready to share this blog now - so if any readers can think of people they know that may be interested in reading my nonsense, please feel free to send them the link :)

Better luck next month...

2009-07-03T14:42:00.000-07:00

So I'm not pregnant.

Unless my period is just "spotting", I am sure it's not, and my cramps don't show up, I am sure they will.

Yes, like usual, even though all signs point to NO, I still hold on to an tiny, unrealistic glimmer of hope.

So what will I be doing tonight? Drinking wine, of course!! Delicious wine, red and expensive, (you know, the $15 kind ;). I have not had a drink in weeks, and it makes the whole "disappointment" thing much easier to take.

I'm not even truly disappointed... I think I was mostly anxious, waiting for something to come. It is the not knowing that drives me crazy.

In the end, I realize that waiting another month or so will not be so bad. She (or he) will be born closer to the summer when Mario can be home to help me; I will be closer to having health insurance, which does not start until September; and through all of this, I have realized that I need to stop rushing things. Life is so much more enjoyable when I am not putting pressure on things happening on a particular time line. I guess I just need to make the right choices to set things in motion and then just let it happen. I like to think that I will be able to do that, but also know that I might get a little anxious again next month. I am sure that is to be expected.

I'll be sure to take that last test tonight, you know, just in cases :)

Happy weekend everybody.

P

Early Riser...

2009-07-01T07:44:00.001-07:00

6:00 AM woke up thinking about my test after a very vivid dream about getting a positive result.

6:15 AM still trying to go back to sleep...

6:45 AM I might as well get up and take the damn test, otherwise I will never get back to sleep.

Negative.

7:00 AM I'll just get up and check it one more time. Still negative. No matter how wide I open my eyes, no matter how close I look. Still Negative.

The rest of the day: rationalizing as to why it is totally ok that I am most likely not pregnant, while still holding on to a tiny glimmer of hope that the tests are wrong.

tww...

2009-06-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

For weeks, I have been addicted to pregnancy forums online and have always wondered what the crap "tww" was. Well, now I know.

The two week wait.

Oh how I LOATH the two week wait. It's funny how many women will tell you to just stop thinking about it, and it will happen. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? And how am I supposed to STOP thinking about it when it is all I want to think about? Easy to say when you already got your positive test results. Easy.

I spent all weekend telling my family that I was hopefully pregnant. Starting my very own rumors. I took a test on Monday, even though, once again, I knew it was still too early. My logic? The test was really only $5, so even if it was "just for fun", at least I didn't waste too much money. And why can't I take one once a day - who am I hurting.

Turns out I am actually hurting myself. I went with Mario today to buy some more tests - and even though I promised a friend I would wait until tomorrow morning, I couldn't help myself when I got home. Negative. I am actually feeling a little sad. And my hopes are a little lower - this can't be good. So now, I am not hopefully searching the net for baby room ideas and pregnancy blogs - but worrying that I might not be pregnant.

I could swear I "feel" pregnant. I really do. I still have high hopes and look forward to the next test, which I will take tomorrow morning. I am not kidding myself by attempting to wait yet another day. If it is negative, I will rationalize the same way that I did today - it is still to early crazy lady!!

And I will leave the room a little more sad - but still hopeful for the next days test.

no house... no "confirmed" pregnancy...

2009-06-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

...but oh am I excited about decorating a nursery!! You'd be surprised by the amount of time one can waste looking at pretty pictures of nurseries on blogs. I have managed to save some fabulous inspiration from the web.

I neeeeeed this crib.

only 1 million dollars.

It looks like I will need to get myself a gorgeous "old" house with wood floors! How does it go? First love, then marriage, then baby, then house? Yeah - that sounds about right.

Feeling just a little bit pregnant...

2009-06-24T22:26:00.001-07:00

Questions:

1. If it is possible to "feel pregnant", then it is logical to assume that one can also feel "not-pregnant", right? If so, I most definitely don't feel "not pregnant". If you look hard enough online, and type in just the right search query, you can make any odd feeling a pregnancy symptom. The internet can make you totally crazy and help you to feel totally comfortable with it all at the same time. There is always someone out there who wondered the same thing.

2. Are my boobs sore (as in an early symptom of pregnancy) or are they just teder from my hourly jabs to "check" for possible soreness?

3. Lastly, why is it that even though I KNOW that a pregnancy test won't work until next Tuesday, I took one yesterday, secretly hoping that I would be this superwoman that was so pregnant, it showed up a week early.

Seriously, I hope I'm pregnant just for the sake of my sanity. Maybe I can stop obsessing over getting pregnant and get some actual work done.

2009-06-10T18:42:00.000-07:00

So it has been about a week since I discovered I could get pregnant any minute now - and still be covered under my husband's long awaited medical insurance - and I have:

chosen a possible doctor.
checked out 5 pregnancy books from the local library, (including titles such as, The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy, Green Baby, and Louder than words - the Jenny McCarthy Autism book). Yes, you can already see my pregnancy personality developing - organic, afraid and hoping for a sense of humor.
Read 2 of these pregnancy books.
Decided on names. Yes, my sweet daughter's name has been picked out for YEARS, Isabella, but I am currently working on Nico, for my first son. I say "first" son, because, let's face it, I married a Bernasconi, and I say "working on", because I need to get Mario on board.
Taken a pregnancy test. To clarify, we haven't actually started trying yet, but somehow, all of this "pregnancy" talk convinced me that I was actually pregnant. It took really bad cramps, a negative pregnancy test and having my period for 2 full days, to actually convince me that I was, in fact, not pregnant.
Checked numerous ovulation calculators to see when the "best" time to conceive will be. And also, to see when I would actually give birth.
Given up on planning a perfect time of the year to get pregnant - ASAP sounds like the best plan to me.
Driven Mario a little crazy - he certainly doesn't understand all of this planning - it is just not in his blood. Good thing I like to plan - I can take care of it for the both of us :)

Now all I have to do is GET PREGNANT! I'll keep you posted....

p

Note

2009-06-06T09:08:00.000-07:00

I should add that this "pink" that I am leaking is coming out of my skin. Those of you who know me well will have already figured out that if I had been leaking from anywhere else, I would have never shared.

google search: "my ass is turning the toilette seat pink?"

2009-06-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not even joking.

So the other day, Mario points out that the normally white toilette seat is pink?? (We have one of those disgusting padded toilette seats that he refuses to let me replace. You know, the ones that let out all the extra air when you settle down onto it.)

Hmmmm.

I have no idea how it got this way. I wonder at first if I had worn any pink panties, shorts, etc. But quickly remember that when the toilette is used, one doesn't typically wear "bottoms". I am at a loss for a few days and Mario points out again, that the bed sheet has a pink tint to it as well.

Only on my side.

WTF? So, who do I turn to? Google of course. I honestly typed in, "my ass is turning my toilette seat pink?" I come across a wealth of information, mostly in "pregnancy" forums about other women who have experienced the same phenomenon. Most of the women are making fun of each other, but I start to see them talking about the correlation between their pregnancy and the pink toilette seat syndrome. It turns out that the only women with this problem are pregnant!! Don't get all excited, I am so not pregnant, but what do most pregnant women do?? They take pre-natals. Turns out that the vitamins do something to my hormones which makes my body leak pink. I guess this is the first "odd" thing in a long string of events that I will experience during my soon-to-be pregnancy.

This reminds me of a time when Mario and I had first started spending the night together - I kept waking up with a black tongue! WTF? Apparently Google and I did not have such a great relationship back then, because I just worried for a few weeks that I had some terribly embarrassing disease. Soon enough, Mario comes to me complaining that his tongue has been black in the mornings.

Hmmmm.

Somehow, we come to the conclusion that the chewable pepto bismol we had been taking was the most possible culprit and decided to do a little experiment. I took some, he did not - long story short, we were right. Apparently you can't take chewable pepto at night before bed without waking up with the mysterious "black tounge". (I'm also not quite sure why we had been taking so much pepto...)

I should also add that a few women changed their seats blueish purple - and they ended up having boys - looks like I am still on the right track for that girl. All signs point to yes!

prenatal

2009-05-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

I took my first prenatal vitamin today. I am pretty sure it is still stuck in my throat - it was the size of my pinkie finger. I read somewhere that too much folic acid can cause ... you guessed it, Autism. I think that's why I waited so long to buy them... fear of Autism.

I'll have to do some research on that.

2009-04-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I could feel that my tummy was stretched - it was not a "pregnant" belly - but I could feel that I was pregnant. I could feel my stomach bloating out and I LOVED IT! It threw me off all day. I remember thinking, "I am actually pregnant," and I can still remember what it felt like, now. I was so happy.

I think I have said the b word to Mario 10+ times today. It's so exciting to think that sometime this year, I could actually BE pregnant. Good God I hope so.

Little princesses

2009-04-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

So today I got to pick Andrew and his darling friend Julia from school. Out of nowhere Andrew asks me, "who is my wife gonna be?". To which I reply, "who do you want your wife to be?". He doesn't know, but I assure him that he will find out someday. Then the topic moved on to how many kids they would have. They have decided to marry each other, but Andrew can have 2 wives if he would like. 4 is a but young to be planning these things, but I humored them with questions. Julia, sweet as she is, is going to have 2 little girls at the same time. Because her "tummy is made for 2.". I wonder if one day she might actually have twin girls, and like most kids, she just knows these things.

Either way, "they're going to be princesses. Yep. They're both going to be princesses.". And they are going to be so beautiful that she is going to give them roses.

If you think that's cute... You should see her. She's a doll.

If you could see me right now...

2009-03-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

...I'd be posing.

I just had the most amazing day of boudoir/lingerie shoots. My feet are so tired... And yes, I am blogging in the bath, again.

Is it weird that I feel sexier after a shoot like that? I even catch myself posing a bit and moving like a model. I'm not even joking. Its like when your on a ship and you get off and still feel like your on the boat. If that even makes sense.

Eff it....

2009-03-24T00:36:00.001-07:00

One glass of wine a night won't hurt....

...Right?

Blogging in the bath...

2009-03-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

Can I blog about things other than kids?

Today, Mario left the house at 2pm and returned at 930. I was still sitting in the same place he left me. I am sure you can guess where that was.

I am trying not to drink during the week and was finally able to force myself away from the computer to take a bath and quiet my mind from my 12 hour workday. And here I am blogging in the BATH! I'm a wreck. Its terrifying actually. It could drop into the water at any time. Then it's bye bye blackberry.

I think my next vacation will be sans computer and blackberry. I think that vacation may need to come soon.

I wonder if I could even go 24 hours.

Lifted

2009-02-24T21:34:00.001-08:00

It's amazing how a bad day can be transformed into something wonderful with just one look into the face of a child.

Blueberry

2009-02-23T22:36:00.001-08:00

I can blog from my blackberry. This could be interesting.

bees

2009-02-23T21:58:00.000-08:00

This morning, Patty and I made a trip to the park. There was a bee that would not leave him alone. And although he did not seem to be bothered, I must have looked like I was on drugs. I could not decide whether to move in and save poor Patty or run the other direction. Actually, let me rephrase that... I knew I should move in and save him, but my body would not cooperate. Eventually, I was able to pick him up and run - but the bee would not leave!! So I put him back down and shouted - "we just have to leave Patty, this bee just won't go away." To which he replied, "won't go away". Patty likes to repeat the last few words you say, it is heartbreakingly cute. I got him to "race" me towards the car. I think the bee finally flew off. He must have thought I was crazy.

I always wonder if the other moms at the park think I am Patty's nanny or his mom. I look nothing like him - so they must get it. I wonder this, because I look at them and wonder. I am never brave enough to talk to them.

We decided to go to the Biltmore - for lunch and some exploring. While trying on a pair of sun glasses, we knocked over a window display. Time to go home.

baby

2009-02-23T21:10:00.000-08:00

My sister had a baby over the weekend. A baby! A sweet, soft, beautiful, tiny boy. He was not supposed to join us for 5 more weeks, but he just couldn't wait. He is such a long boy. When he came out, he stretched his entire body out in all directions. I thought for a moment that he had some abnormality of long limbs. It turns out he is simply perfect. It's interesting how something so traumatic for a little one can be so beautiful to us. His cry was even magnificent. I watched his dad hold his hand and hover over him with a love that cannot be explained. A joy that is indescribable. He has this tiny little face - a little like a man - I am in love with him.

Little Jackson was born into a room filled with people who love him truly and unconditionally. Family is such a magical thing. His grandparents were able to get on planes and make it to the hospital before his birth. It was Shawn (mommy), Paul (daddy), me (the photographer :), Mary (the cousin), Tracey (the sister in-law), and his grandmas, all in the room for the grand event. Sometimes I caught myself just staring down at Shawn lying in the bed in pain - she would look up at me and I would realize it - she must have felt like a display. I'm not sure I want that many people in my room - it seems a bit overwhelming.

While holding Jackson today, I noticed that his feet are huge! I wonder if he will grow into them. He makes these little expressions, and for a minute, you might think he is a tiny little old man. But then he softens back up again and looks perfectly serene. I should get a picture of his old man face to show to him when he gets older. Although, secretly, I hope that he does not get too much older, (at least not too soon).

His mommy is doing really well - although I think she is now seriously nesting. I know that usually comes before the baby, but she was not quite ready for his arrival, so she is making up for it now. I keep telling her to sit down and tell me what needs to be done - but she feels bad asking to hold her baby. Can you believe it! You have to keep an eye out for her to longingly look in your direction - and then you have to give him up.

She loves him so much. It is amazing. I am tearing up just thinking about it now. She just keeps saying that she can't wait for me to have a baby because it is so amazing.

I can't wait either.

Legos.

2009-02-18T16:24:00.000-08:00

Last Tuesday, Andrew informed me that he was going to Lego Land. On Thursday. With his Mom. Patty would have to stay back, as he is still too small to ride anything. There are also apparently a VERY scary roller coaster that "dumps you out, upside down" at this park. I asked his momma when they were planning to take him.... I take it by her reaction that she was obviously not involved in his planning.

Andrew loves legos. I mean REALLY loves them. For hours. He also loves to talk about legos. For hours. And I have learned that legos can be a great way to pass time. We build lots of houses and gardens. (I typically build really tall towers.) Sadly, I am not quite as talented as his father - which always seems to dissapoint Andrew.

"Oh, I'll just wait for my daddy to come home and build it with me."

We had a contest - because I was anxious to build my own lego contraption, rather than build what Andrew insisted I make. The idea was that you would stick your hand into the lego box and grab a handful, blindly, and then make something out of what you ended up with. I of course gave Andrew an extra handful, due to the obvious difference in the size of our hands, and I'm pretty sure he peeked. Nonetheless, he came up with a fantastically complicated and detaild machine. It looked much like a truck from the future. I was quite impressed.

"It's a flower truck and look, here are the air vents to keep them fresh and everything."

This kid has got quite an imagination.

When he was little, (which I guess he still is, so we'll say littler), he would ask me to roll him up like a burrito. He would laugh histarically the entire time I rolled him all up in the blanket, and then after I ate him, we would immediatley need to make another burrito. Mmmm.

next... dance parties

Napkins - February 10 2009

2009-02-10T22:09:00.000-08:00

We went to Pie Zanos for polka dot pizza. (We can't go to Mary Coyle's anymore - I have no self control and ALWAYS order and finish a chocolate shake.... for lunch. I always order it with the boys lunch too, which is terribly mean. I am telling you, I have no self control.) Anywho, about the napkins... For some reason, I decided that it was my mission to get Patty to use a napkin today. Pizza is messy. I think the gentleman sitting across from me must have thought I was crazy. In order for Patty to remember to use his napkin, I have to remind him after each bite, before his hand gracefully wipes across his chest. This is not an easy feat, he is a quick one and I am quite forgetful. I even had him holding two napkins, one in each hand, but he was quite confused by this. By the time we made it to the car, he had polka dot pizza all over his shirt - mixed with a little choco taco of course. yum.

next.... legos.

The Library... February 10 2009

2009-02-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

Went to the public library downtown with Patty today. Forgot that the elevators were so much fun. Poor Patty. He seems to be fantastically excited and equally paralyzed at the same time. I should mention, I am terrified in these elevators. They are all windows and, in my opinion, move much to quickly, without warning. The first time I rode in one, I almost vomited. Anywho...he can only think about getting into one, the entire time we are there, and when we finally get in, he tenses up and is immediately overwhelmed with fear. The fear doesn't stop him - he is quite the daredevil - once we are out - he just wants to get back in. Seriously, I'm not sure why I thought I could "browse" for a new book with a 2 year old...

Do toddlers have a free pass in a library to be noisy? To shout out "that one", "go there" and "waterfalls" repeatedly, on every floor? Or am I supposed to remind him that "we have to be quiet when we are in a library", the whole time. What is more annoying? I'm not sure...

I have decided I would rather be at a bookstore. The books are prettier there anyway. And Patty can be as loud as he wants. We can let it all hang out.

All he could talk about were the elevators and the "Waterfalls" (translation: pond... anything H20 related is referred to by Patty as a waterfall). Anyway - we tried to read a few exciting books, but they did not, by far, compare to the ever so magnificent elevators. (Which, although Patty never forgot them, were, I'm sure, strategically placed out of view from the kid's section.) It seems like the whole time we are in the library, Patty just wants to get out. He stares intently out the back windows while I try to interest him in my pile of books. I am always trying to think of interesting things for him to do - but when it comes down to it, he is pretty much excited to do anything with me. <3

So we were back in the car. The library turned out to be quite boring, that is, unless I was interested in riding the elevators up and down for the rest of the morning. Which I wasn't. Patty seemed quite interested in the train, (translation: light rail). So I decided to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes, hoping to catch one passing by. Nothing came.

On the way to pick Andrew up from school, I took the long way. I looked back at Patty at one point and he had this smile full of sheer joy on his face. He didn't care where we were or what we were doing, he was just happy to be. Good God I love this kid. He just laughed. Does he know something I don't?

At lunch, Andrew informed me that if I exercise a lot, I can live for "twenty twenty" years. I think that is LOT of years in AndrewLand. I should really start exercising.